Sunday, January 8, 2006
Being an American sitting in the shadow of the Bush, I certainly can't know what it's like to be British, although I have seen my share of Masterpiece Theatre offerings over the years, but I can just as certainly pretend that I know what's going on and anyway, sometimes an objective viewpoint is just what's needed. At the same time I can admit to a certain Anglophilia and have studied quite a bit of English history, as I've always considered the history of the British Isles to be the prelude to the history of the United States. So, in a strange way, even though my family came from Italy in the early twentieth century, more than one hundred thirty years after this country stopped being a Crown colony I can consider myself to be a small part of Great Britons heritage. Plus, I've always had a weakness for English chicks.
Recent reports from Great Briton suggest that over the last twenty years or more Britons have been consuming alchohol at an alarming rate and it's killing them. At a time when the trend in the rest of Europe is towards less drinking, Great Briton has experienced a massive increase in alchohol related cirrhosis of the liver, mainly due to binge drinking. The question of course is, why? The answer of course is, money.
Not that Britons are poor or that their economy is in such bad shape that the only escape from the poverty is in drink…far from it. And of course money isn't the only factor. In fact, there are several reasons that the English and Welsh particularly want to get and stay snockered, but to this reporter the most egregious problem is : The New Pence.
When I was visting the British Isles in the early 1980's I remember buying a packet of cigarettes from a London shop. The cashier gave me my change, which was to my American eye a weird mixture of coins. I tried to both count it simultaneously and do the conversion to see if the little bugger was short changing me, staring hard at the silver in my hand. Apparently, the cashier mistook my confusion and knitted brow for ruefulness, for he said, "I'm sorry mate, but we don't have any old money left." Being unaware of the change to new pence at the time, I just figured he was drunk, which according to the recent findings he probably was, though that's besides the point. Much of what I write is besides the point.
Imagine feeling the need to apologize to an American for your money, but I can understand his chagrin. Old English money was beautiful, substantial and heavy and smacked of Empire and tradition. When held side by side in my sweaty American palm, it even looked more valuable than the new pence, although it had the same buying power. I remember putting the shillings in one pocket to bring home and save and the new pence coins in the other to spend. They were a tangible reminder of the British Empire and an equally tangible reminder that that Empire was gone. If I were British, the very idea that I would no longer be able to say things like tuppence ha'penny or eight and fourpence would lead me right to nearest pub, I'll tell you. I mean, that's what Great Briton was all about, confusing the rest of the planet with their money.
This unfortunate currency catastrophe came right on the heels of another blow to British sensibilities: the Confusion of the Counties and the Loss of the Shires. In addition to having their cash screwed up, in 1974 with the change of County boundries, Englishmen no longer knew where they lived. Add to that the loss of the suffix 'shire' from many place names and Britons couldn't help but notice that everything about their wonderful country was going to hell in a hand basket. In itself the whole shire thing would have had me signaling my local publican for another round of bitters.
Add to these events Margeret Thatcher, the obvious marital difficulties of Charles and Diana, re-runs of the American crime drama Kojack (not to mention Boy George) and the question becomes not why are Britons drinking more but why are there any sober Britons left? Watching the losers of the Second World War, Germany and Japan, become economic powerhouses along with Great Britains ally the United States while their own economy never really seemed to recover pales in comparrison to the fact that some American guy bought London Bridge and just took it away. If that doesn't signal the collapse of Empire I don't know what does.
Now, Britons may read this and say, "What a load of bollocks." To that I answer, "What the hell do you know, you drunken sot? Go attack Argentina if you don't like it." As for me, I'm going Devonshire to drop a shilling or two at a local pub till the pulbican calls, "Time, Gentlemen."
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You're right, I did say "What a load of bollocks!". And I don't limit that to the content. The spelling is atrocious as well (for example GREAT BRITAIN).
I'd just like to point out the fact that an American bought London Bridge and took it away thinking it was TOWER Bridge, which is the famous one. So I think you're the ones (as a country) who should be taking a hard look at yourselves and then heading down to the pub to drink it all away. I'm not even going to mention your President who probably couldn't find any error in your article either.
Go learn some stuff before you take digs at other peoples cultures.
PS. I'm neither drunk, or a "sot".. I think you meant to say "sod".
I'd just like to point out the fact that an American bought London Bridge and took it away thinking it was TOWER Bridge, which is the famous one. So I think you're the ones (as a country) who should be taking a hard look at yourselves and then heading down to the pub to drink it all away. I'm not even going to mention your President who probably couldn't find any error in your article either.
Go learn some stuff before you take digs at other peoples cultures.
PS. I'm neither drunk, or a "sot".. I think you meant to say "sod".