April 4, 2006
Political humorists in the United States and around the world are in mourning today on the news that Texas Congressman Tom DeLay has announced his resignation, "in order to spend more time with his cell mates". Mr. DeLay, known as the Hammer by his political friends and foes alike, has been facing various charges, including trying the use the FAA in order to track down and arrest Texas Democrats, money laundering, doing unspeakable things with gerbils and pretending to be a Christian as a political expedient.
He will be missed. After having given just this poor writer alone 32,378 published words, coming in just behind George W. Bush, Dick Cheney and John Ashcroft for total satirical articles written, one can't help but wonder who will replace such a titan, satirically speaking. It just proves the old adage, 'What's Good For The Country Sucks For Political Humor.'
While Mr. DeLay may be leaving Congress, it is sincerely hoped that he isn't abandoning politics altogether. Perhaps, now that the burdensome binding of Congressional tact (hah!) has been removed, Mr. DeLay can become a true pundit himself, commenting on Christian Values and giving seminars on how to succeed in Republican politics without having a shred of decency…oh, forget it, that's well known already and needs no instruction. But there's got to be something The Hammered can do to stay in the limelight, other than just going to prison.
It is fervently hoped that Mr. DeLay's capitulation will not start a trend in Republican politics, with the likes of Katherine Harris pulling out of her Senate race in Florida, Dick Cheney hanging up his shotgun, Antonin Scalia reading a law book or Donald Rumsfeld taking a primer course in basic military strategy. Satirical writers depend on these things for their bread and butter and when people like Mr. DeLay remove themselves from the equation, well…you just can't help feeling a bit bereft.
While it might be too much, at least for the good of the country, to suggest that Mr. DeLay rethink his resignation, this Liberal hack once again re-iterates (once again re-iterates? What the hell kind of phrase is that? Jeesh.) his hope and prayer that the Nailed doesn't abandon us altogether. Tommy Boy, please. Start a Church, form a new PAC, run for President…please baby, don't go. We'll miss ya big guy.