Seasons Greedings: Let's Keep Christ Out Of Christmas
by Chuck Terzella
Say Buy Buy To Religion

When my computer committed some sort of technocide last December, I found myself with extra time to kill in my day where I used to be online, like twelve or thirteen hours. Since I couldn't write about politics and my wife refused to listen to me rant for more than a minute at a clip (to be quite honest, I agree entirely...I can be pretty boring), I decided that the best thing to do was pretend politics and the attempted Evangelical rape of my civil rights just didn't exist. No George Bush, no Iraq, no warrant-less wiretaps or Creationism taught as science, no NPR, no CNN, no foreign policy debacles or indictments of our nations leaders...in short, it was like I was living in Alabama, except for the no Creationist thing of course.

Actually, not quite. I did find myself watching The History Channel a lot. Well, that and some fashion network that consistently featured really tall, thin girls in very little clothing that reminded me of the heroin addicts of my NYC days, but that's enough about that. Anyway, THC (I just now realized about those initials) had a program about finding the true birth date of Jesus Christ. Apparently, through astronomical research and careful scrutiny of the mathematics used by the bright sparks who developed the Gregorian calendar, Jesus was actually born on April 7, in the year 6 BC. Or at least it was thereabouts; right as they were saying the date I switched back to the thin addict model channel and got distracted. At any rate, according to these heathen know-it-alls, Jesus was a Springtime baby, not a Winter one. This led me to thinking about Christmas sales. Actually it got me thinking about the Happy Holliday/Merry Christmas issue that so rightly occupies America's collective mind this time of year. What got me thinking about Christmas sales was my families incredibly avaricious shopping lists and how I could possibly afford it all.

That thought isn't really finished, but I felt it's time to start a new paragraph anyway. In a flash of what passes for intelligent thought in my world, it suddenly occurred to me...why not just move Christ's birthday to it's rightful place and forget the whole controversy over Christmas completely? Now, I know a bunch of people will get all bent out of shape, saying that God made Christmas on December 25th and who are we to argue? The point is this: God didn't make Christmas December 25th. In His best selling autobiography, The Bible, God actually never mentioned His only Son's birth date. That's okay, my own Dad always forgot my birthday too and Bing Crosby smacked his kid. Fathers can be like that. Anyway, the only mention of the big J's b-day is astronomical in nature...the Star. So we're left with April 7th...or the 17th...or whatever...the models, remember?

Now here's the thing: if we move Christmas to April, we can keep the Christmas gift giving part of it right where it is now, on December 25th, or the Solstice on December 21st, another astronomical event. We keep Saint Nick but switch to calling him Father Xmas or Fred or Jared for that matter. The tree, the lights, celebrations, drunken driving and most importantly, the buying of many, many gifts all stay the same. We just remove all traces of religion from what would otherwise be a joyous occasion. Simple.

Now, April already has the Christian Easter, which is actually perfect. We make Christmas on the 7th, go through the whole birth celebration, spend a week or two going over his life, then have the Good Friday Crucifixion/Easter Sunday Miracle. Of course, in April there's also the Hebrew Passover and the Muslim Milad un Nabi, but this can be good too. April can be the Religion Month. We can have the Baha'i's mediate any conflicts over parking around mosque's, churches and synagogues and the Wiccan's can just lay low till Beltane. If I missed anyone, I hope do me a favor and suffer in silence.

While the Hebrews have always been pretty accurate record keepers and Chanukah is probably right where it's supposed to be, I'm hoping that with a little prompting we can convince them to move The Festival of Lights to January...after 2,300 years you'd think they can give the rest of us a week or two in the interest of world wide peace, marketing and sales. Kwanzaa, the First Harvest, can move it's start from December 26th to New Years Day...nothing should have spoiled by then.

Now, of course we'd have to name the new holiday. I personally like the Solstice; Wiccan's actually celebrate the Yule if I'm not mistaken so the astronomically based Solstice Sales Days seems best, but I'm open to suggestions here. Whatever we call it, it would be an unbridled and uncontested orgy of greed and avarice, with snow. And with Jesus out of the picture, Jews and Muslims can join right in with no guilt. Even Conservative Christians can jump in too and buy all sorts of Creationist propaganda, or Kansas School System Science Books as they call them, for all their little Evangelical boys and girls. Picture it...a world where we all live together, joined by our shared love of Greed. Gimme a Piece on Earth, that's what I say.

 
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Unconfirmed Sources political satire and news story parodies as represented above are written as satire or parody. They are, of course, fictitious.