(New York--NY) Welcome Dear Friends and Respected Enemies and, yes, you too George Bush. It's Ed-E-torial #13. Or as we like to call it: "The one where we choose between Paris and Lindsay.
(Los Angeles-CA) Paris Hilton is still holding to her celibacy promise. The some time internet sex-e-bitionist announced she will not have sex for one year, except for kissing. Rival quasi celebrity and yet to be YouTube.com sex star, Lindsay Lohan upon hearing the statement was reported by Defamer.com as saying, "Great, then Paris can kiss my ass." To Lindsay I say, "Nigga, please." And to Paris, on behalf of all men whether they have a broadband or simple dial-up modem, I offer this little advice in rhyme, "Eatin' ain't cheatin'. And suckin' ain't...you get the idea."
(Glasgow-Scotland) Rolling Stones guitarist and living pharmaceutical experiment, Keith Richards was cleared of lighting up a cigarette while playing with The Rolling Stones during a concert at Hampden Park. A smoking ban forbids lighting up in public, enclosed places. Richards said he honestly didn't know about the ban and wanted to know for the future if there was also any ban on shooting heroin while backstage. Richards stressed that he was just asking for his friend, a Mr. Jim Shorts.
(New York--NY) Comedian Jackie Mason is suing the Jews for Jesus for using his likeness (that's Jackie's likeness not Jeses) on one of their pamphlets. For those of you not familiar with Jews for Jesus, they are a group who practices the tenets of Judaism while proclaiming Jesus as the Messiah. Regarding the lawsuit, Mason said, "While I have the utmost respect for the Christian faith, as everyone knows, I am as Jewish as a matzo ball." A spokesperson for Jews for Jesus fired back that Mason should be "ashamed of himself for not taking the entire matter in a good natured manner." Jesus has not returned repeated phone calls from the Associated Press.
(Quoito--Ecuador ) Maria Esther de Capovilla, believed to be the world's oldest person, has died at 116. Born in 1889, the same year as Charlie Chaplin and Adolph Hitler, but no relation to either. When asked in a 2003 interview what her secret was, Ms. De Capovilla, said, "not smoking, not drinking and regular abduction by aliens from the planet Kral where they put youth hormones in me through a probe that looks like a banana or a plantain. I've haven't figured out which one." Indeed, we'll miss you Ms. De Capovilla.
(Washington, D.C.) Ladies, forget about that guy, who looked like Mr. Right after two for one Marguerite night but turned out to be Mr. One Night Stand who might have left you with his demon spawn as a uterus door prize, because the FDA has allowed the Plan B pill to be available to women over the ages of 17. Affectionately dubbed the Morning After Pill, if a woman takes Plan B within 72 hours of unprotected sex, she can lower the risk of pregnancy up to 89 percent. President Bush advocating the Right to Life view said, "Just imagine if such a pill were available when I was conceived. I might have never been born." In the words of John Lennon, "Imagine."
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