WASHINGTON --BREAKING NEWS! -- In a move unprecedented in U.S. History, President George Bush, upon returning from his European trip, ordered Alberto Gonzales to disband the entire government except for the Justice Department, Defense Department and Executive branch
Speaking in the White House rose garden with Gonzales and Defense secretary Robert Gates at his side, the President told the nation, " All these government departments; the bureaucrats that run them; Congress, The Post Office, Treasury, Health and Human Services and the rest are totally unnecessary and I am closing them all down today. The budget deficit will be immediately solved as we save billions in salaries, equipment, and other wasteful items. The country must realize that I RUN IT! I neither need nor welcome approval or disapproval from those who DARE question my supreme authority."
He glanced smirkingly at Gonzales and Gates who dutifully nodded their approval.
Bush continued, "Imagine Congress telling me that they have no confidence in my friend, Alberto Gonzo here! As long as I have confidence that he follows my orders, he remains. I have ordered my friend, Bobbyboy Gates, to mobilize any troops he can find that still may be stateside and not overseas, and have them evict all government workers forthwith. Obviously, we will have need for some of the former government activities. These can be accomplished much more efficiently by private corporations. Therefore, I have awarded to private entities, the following:
Bureau of Printing and Engraving which prints stamps and money, to: VISA, MasterCard and AMEX
Health and Human Services to: The Advil Corporation
Energy Department to: Exxon/Mobil
NASA to: The Weather Channel
State Department to: Winchester Arms Corp.
Agriculture to: Knotts Berry Farm
Labor to: Coyotes de Mexico, SA.
Education to: Rev.Pat Robertson
Commerce to: Wal-Mart
Environmental Protection Agency to: John Deere Co.
Interior: Blue Ridge Coal Mines, Inc.
Post Office to: UPS
All Others: Brown and Root, and Halliburton
As troops with tear gas and bayonets started evicting government workers who, frightened and bewildered, poured into the streets of Washington, The President flew by helicopter to Air Force One for his monthly two-week vacation at his ranch in Crawford, Texas. where those on the government payroll were replaced by workers provided by Best Western Hotels.