George Bush, "Hannah Montana... Iraq Victory Model!"
by Ed E. Druckman
(Washington, D.C.) George Bush has a new vision for Iraq, the Disney Channel's "Hannah Montana" TV show, or, more particularly, the tour to kick-off later this month.
The President revealed his plan at a press conference, while applauding Defense Secretary Robert Gates' choice of Navy Admiral Mike Mullen as the new head of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. The President said, "While Admiral Mullen brings a new sense of leadership to Iraq, what Iraq is truly missing is some good, young adult programming as well as some toe-tapping music that Muslims can sing along with."
After a long pause by the White House press corps and a reaction of "I don't know either" from Admiral Mullen, the President allayed all fears of having to invoke the 25th Amendment by making his point clear. "I'm not saying we just put the show on over there. That would be lunacy. The key is we must, I repeat, must get them involved in that "Best of Both Worlds Tour."
The "Best of Both Worlds Tour" and the "Hannah Montana" show, for those who are not The President of the Unites States or above the age of tween, stars the fourteen year old daughter of country singer Billy Ray Cyrus, Miley Cyrus. The 54-city tour is selling out in record numbers across the U.S. with tickets being scalped at over 300% of their face value, or as the President put it, "the kind of profit Iraq needs."
When an unidentified Associated Press reporter raised his hand to ask imply, "Excuse me?", President Bush explained. "Let's face it. Sunni and Shi'ites are never going to get along, because they're not Christian. But what if Iraq was one of the stops on the "Best of Both World Tours"? Now, we've got great music, which is Christian too, buy hey they don't know that, which both sides are going to get behind and promote, because a) who doesn't like country music and 2) we're going to give them a percentage of the gate. If this works out, all of Iraq will be a Green Zone; green with money." At this point, Admiral Mullen said, "Did I mention that I was appointed by Defense Secretary Gates?"
In a later interview, when asked by CNN's Wolf Blitzer what he felt the most difficult part of his new vision for Iraq would be, the President was realistic, "Not necessarily in this order, Wolf, but getting AEG Live, the good folks putting on the tour, to make Iraq a new stop and finding a bullet proof sequined vest for little Miley that looks good and can stop a .50 caliber round."