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Treasury Secretary Paulson announces porn industry bailout
by Dominus Noster
Secretary of the Treasury Henry Paulson alongside porn actress Carmella Bing and other leadersWASHINGTON, D.C.--Secretary of the Treasury Henry Paulson and other prominent leaders held a press conference announcing a $3 trillion bailout package for recession-struck porn companies. Appearing at the conference was well-endowed porn starlet Carmella Bing.

"Porn companies have not been able to escape these tough economic times. Porn industry revenues are down," said Secretary Paulson. "Porn is one of America's biggest exports. It is supposed to be recession-proof, too. If porn goes, so goes the nation."

Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi spoke about the tragedy that would befall the country if Congress fails to act. "Porn actors and actresses would find themselves out of work and starving," Pelosi said.

Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke spoke about how the quality of porn would decline dramatically without the relief package. "If we don't get this relief package to the porn industry, Americans will find their porn choices to be very limited. We most likely would end up in a situation where the only porn actresses left would be retired grandmothers who aren't in it for the money."

Congress is forming a Pornography Study Committee in order to review the quality of porn and economic impact of the porn industry recession. Congressional staff members are asking that Americans email all their porn to their Congressional representatives.

"I would particularly like to review certain niches, such as MILF porn and big booty porn, in order to do an economic impact study," said Congressman John Boehner.

The bailout package, entitled the Freedom in Pornographic Choices bill, is expected to pass the through the House and Senate by next Monday. President Bush has already announced his intention on signing the bill, which would cost taxpayers several trillion dollars.

 
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Unconfirmed Sources political satire and news story parodies as represented above are written as satire or parody. They are, of course, fictitious.

Your Comments



Dominus wrote:
John Boehner is actually a real Congressman. As I was re-reading my piece, I was thinking of his new nickname: John Boner.
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Secret Sue wrote:
oh thank goodness and I was worried for a min
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E. Power Biggs wrote:
The US porn industry faced stiff competition from abroad, mountains of silicone from Eastern Europe, and a veritable flood of Japanese bukake even before the current flaccid conditions. We must act to save this stalwart of the American economy (whose impact reaches far beyond the fluffers and makers of clear platform shoes who work on the front lines). We can take our lead from the government of Sweden, which in the 1990s sign promissory notes valued over $17B to avert the collapse of Swedish Erotica, that nation's largest employer.
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John C. Holmes wrote:
Porn industry shareholders and management must put their own house in order before they get a handout from the taxpayer. If they accept this multi-billion-dollar bailout, and then continue to make products that the market doesn't want (foot-fetish porn? grannies? balloon porn -- what the hell is that?), we're just throwing good money after bad. When Danni Aahe and Vivid Video CEO Bill Asher arrive for Congressional hearings on a sedan chair borne by oiled naked porn stars in Roman-slave costumes, it shows their failure to accept the necessity of change (even if the reported twenty-thousand dollar cost of their trip is a tiny fraction of the twenty billion they seek from the Treaury). It will be better in the long run for taxpayers, porn-indutry workers and the industry as a hole if we allow these unprofitable companies to fail, and stand ready to support the leaner, stronger, and all-around hotter incarnation that remains.
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Uranus Hertz wrote:
Will the names of U.S. taxpayers appear on the boxes of porn videos? Because now we're getting f*cked.
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Elliot Spitzer wrote:
This discussion of economic policy is useless without pics. And I don't mean that cheesy photoshop above. (Who did that? A five-year-old?)
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selina wrote:
Wow, not many choices of born!! I think I can live without it. Let's put out fire on more important issues. Many people are out of jobs, not just porn. American people should have more important priorities. If we bail out porn, the entire flock of American industry will cry for help from 'Rich' Uncle Sam.
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