Ted Stevens And Santa, Tina Fey And Sarah Palin and Bush Gets A Backbone- Unconfirmed Sources News Briefs 10/19/08
by Chuck Terzella
"Then out on the lawn I heard such a clatter..."

Santa's Little Helper, Mrs. Steven's Little Boy, Teddy.

Alaska Republican Senator Ted Stevens testified at his corruption trial that he never asked for anything from Bill Allen and his company, Veco. Far from it. "You see", a still bemused Stevens testified, "Stuff just kept appearing at my house every time I went away and came back. One time it was a gas grill, another time a full tool chest. Then there was generator. Once I went to McDonalds for fifteen minutes and by the time I got back there was a new porch, balcony and steel staircase built." Shaking his head, he continued, "One morning I went out to get the paper and I literally walked back in and found all new furniture. All of our furniture was gone. Man, it was kinda creepy"

When questioned as to how he thought all of these things appeared without his asking for any of it, Senator Stevens testified, "Well, we live so close to the North Pole and I've been such a very good little boy, so I just figured it was Santa." Prosecutors, apparently just as eager as Senator Stevens is for him to be acquitted, at least judging from their performance during the trial so far, all sat at the prosecution table nodding to each other and saying, "Sounds reasonable to me. Gee, I'm glad we cleared that up. Let's go home."


I Still Think Tina Fey Is Hotter

What do ya do when your impersonator is smarter than you?

Alaska Governor (Jesus Christ, how the fuck did Alaska get to be so fucking newsworthy all of a sudden?) Sarah Palin made a strange appearance on "Saturday Night Live" last night as the show's introducer. While the cast wisely left any actual humor to Ms. Palin's alter-ego, Tina Fey, I suppose some credit must be given to the Alaska governor for even giving it a shot. She certainly seemed wooden, nervous and out of her element...you would've thought Katie Couric was somewhere around. GOP handlers likely thought that having Palin do SNL would have the same positive effect that Nixon had in saying, "sock it to me" on "Rowan and Martin's Laugh In" forty years ago. By the way, Nixon's vice president, Spiro Agnew, was indicted for income tax evasion. Man, the more things change...

And Finally, We Bid Goodbye To The Klondike

"Lame Duck? I'll show em a fucking lame duck"

Outgoing President George W. Bush, who seems to be trying his best to be as snarky as possible during his last days in office, has signed an act adding Alaska's Cook Inlet beluga whales to the endangered species list. While as a moral matter this is obviously a wonderful thing, as a political matter it means that any new offshore oil drilling, bridge construction or other industrial activities that receive any federal funding or oversight will have to prove they're harmless to the whales, something Sarah Palin has fought long and hard against. Coming on the heels of Bush's announcement that Condi Rice is negotiating the withdrawal of troops from Iraq by 2012 with that country's leaders in spite of John McCain's assertions that we'll stay as long as we want, and you get a picture of a man that suddenly realized the machine no longer has any real control over him. Let Freedom Ring.

 
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Unconfirmed Sources political satire and news story parodies as represented above are written as satire or parody. They are, of course, fictitious.
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Unconfirmed Sources political satire and news story parodies as represented above are written as satire or parody. They are, of course, fictitious.