Catholic Church to Allow Sex Toys

by NickFun

(VaticanCity, Vatican) In an effort to modernize the Catholic Church, Pope Benedict XVI stated today that he is lifting many of the the restriction against most non-violent marital aids and sex toys including vibrators, dildos and sensual oils. However, the restriction against condoms remains in place. The Pope did declare that the use of marital aids would be strictly for married couples to employ as aids in achieving erections and vaginal lubrication and should only be used for the purpose of producing offspring. "The Bible says to be fruitful and multiply", the Pontiff stated during a rare interview. "You can't be fruitful and multiply if you're not hard or well greased!" The Pontiff further clarified that the final orgasm must involve the penis entering the vagina and "seed should not be spilled wantonly". "Technically nothing has really changed", Benedict stated. "Adam and Eve had less trouble getting hard and wet because they were the only game in town. People today might need a little extra boost". Most previous Popes were reluctant to even discuss the issue of sex toys but it was an unwritten law in the church that the use of such objects was evil. The Pope claims his divine inspiration to allow sex toys was revealed to him by God after extensive Biblical research. He Pope stated that the churches policy against homosexuality, masturbation, S&M and other forms of deviant behavior would remain in place, though he is considering allowing masturbation for women. "The Bible says we shouldn't waste seed. Women don't have seeds", The Pope observed.

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Unconfirmed Sources political satire and news story parodies as represented above are written as satire or parody. They are, of course, fictitious.

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