Pizza Pie Guy Herman Cain's long shot bid for the White House has gained so much steam so fast that he's "dialing it back". The question of why a man whose campaign has caught fire in the past month would intentionally throw a blanket over that fire has been answered by Mr. Cain himself. Apparently, the 65 year old Mr. Cain feels that "When you're too tired you're not on your "game", so his solution to a problem every American who's working two and three jobs just to make ends meet faces is to, well, just not show up. The fact is, Mr. Cain is just too tuckered out to endure even trying to be nominated as a presidental candidate; it remains to be seen how exhausted he'd be if he actually won.
But America needs to understand that this is not a bad move. As Tea Party activist and leader of The Church Of Jesus Christ, What's This Country Coming To? in Billings, Montana, The Reverend Festus P. Hyman explained, "Between Mr. Cain's commitment to getting the proper amount of rest by ignoring the rigors of campaigning and Texas Governor Rick Perry's apparent decision to not participate in some, if not all (he really hasn't made up his mind on this one yet) future GOP debates, both candidates are proving their commitment to the Tea Party's core value- less government."
The most famous example of Mr. Cain's strategy of "Just Don't Show"also proves that, in Mr. Cain's case at least, should he be elected he will not favor anyone, rich or poor. It occurred in July when he, presumably being too tired to remember, forgot to walk upstairs after a speaking engagement at the Standard Club in Nashville, Tennessee to meet with two hundred people, each of whom had paid $2,500.00 for the privilege. To forget to spend an hour chatting with a group that just gave you a half million dollars shows true commitment to ignoring all of his supporters equally; there are also reports that even low level supporters can't find a 'Cain-2012' bumper sticker to cover up their existing 'Bachman-2012' that they used to cover up their 'Palin-2012' ones with. No one in the party yet seems to be looking for a 'Romney-1012' sticker at all.
And while some misguided Liberals seem to believe that being the President of the United States is not just a full time job but a 24/7 one, the 1% that would provide a great deal of the campaign financing for any GOP candidate understand the position of Mr. Cain well; after all, they invented the term, 'banker's hours'.
As for Governor Perry's reluctance to participate in debates, preferring to adopt Sarah Palin's strategy of speaking only to tightly controlled groups of supporters, the Rev. Hyman observed, "It's a good plan; I mean, Sarah was doing great until she tried to prove to the world that she was more than just a great pair of, um, platforms; them being Right to Life and...aw, shit, I forgot the other one. But as my daddy used to say, if you don't have anything intelligent to say, well then, you're just stupid."
Other GOP contenders are not as happy with Mr. Cain's or Governor Perry's decision to go the non-candidate route, however. The fear is that these two not appearing in future debates may hurt ratings, much Charlie Sheen's absence from Two And A Half Men has sent that program plummeting- viewer-ship for both depends on checking in on the most addled performers on television today and in the case of the GOP the fear is that Barbara Bachman and Ron Paul just won't pull in the numbers.
Just as angry at the two (and if the diminutive Rick Santorum also stops showing up- and he may as well- you'd get the "half" part too) men's strategy of "Just Don't Show" is another GOP hopeful, the dark horse candidate, Former Unnamed Bush White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, who, due to his lack of reality, has not appeared anywhere; Mr. Waterhouse believes that the Perry and Cain camps have stolen the idea of being non-existent contenders directly from him. Speaking on the condition of anonymity Mr. Waterhouse said, "Jesus, these guys are stealing my lack of thunder. I mean, I haven't been seen anywhere for years and suddenly these Johnny-not-come-latelys' think the can just not swan in and be as anonymous as me? Bastards."