Okay, I admit it- I've been busy and haven't really been paying attention. But I woke up this morning and realized, 'Jeez, it's 2012! That means there must be an election coming up.' Funny how these things sneak up on you. For those of you who, like me, haven't noticed, it goes like this- apparently Barack Obama is still our president and some guy named Mitt Romney wants to take his place. I hadn't heard till just now. That's what comes from not watching TV. Like I say, I've been busy, okay? So, as a public service for people like me, I'll recap the last twelve or so years in order for you to make a well-informed choice at the polls in November:
2000-2008: George W. Bush won the presidency in 2000 by just nine votes (that would be the Supreme Court to you and me), making it the nation's closest election. Ever. Nine months later, while he was reading children's books to kindergarteners, Saudi Arabian terrorists attacked America. In response, W. attacked (rightly) Afghanistan, who was harboring the terrorists, and (weirdly) Iraq, who, despite having an evil dictator, had nothing to do with it. At all. The logic was that Iraq had Weapons of Mass Destruction, which we were certain of, as the president's father, Bush the Elder, had sold them to the Iraqis back in the 80's and 90's.
A massive search for the objects of these two wars, the WMDs and Osama bin Laden, along with the 340 tons of explosives that we did find during the initial invasion of Iraq but promptly forgot about, yielded nothing (...well, almost nothing. We did keep finding bits and pieces of the 340 tons of munitions scattered about various roadsides throughout Iraq, which we then called IEDs (Improvised Explosive Devices)to make them sound more military, but which were really just fucking bombs).
Anyway, America didn't care too much at the beginning of the Iraq invasion because we all saw some really cool video of stuff blowing up on TV; it wasn't until our people started blowing up too that we began to take notice. But in our defense, we had other things to distract us...our homes were increasing in value, seemingly exponentially, and we were really busy sorting through the offers from various banks to loan us money against them. So, in order to stop them from pestering us, we borrowed (and borrowed and borrowed) from the poor little dears. Kids...I mean, what're you gonna do? We changed the slogan from 'BUY AMERICAN' to 'BUY, AMERICA!' and used all the money to buy crap from China. George Bush pointed proudly to the millions of jobs he created (in Mexico, India, China and Vietnam) with the support of venture capitalist companies with names like Bain (Bane?) who compassionately thought Americans were working too hard and so shipped their jobs overseas to give them a break.
2008- After eight years of borrowing money from China to fund a couple of wars and refusing to raise the money to repay the loans, capitalist America under Dubya found itself in the odd and rather ironic position of being deeply in debt to a communist country. Then one morning all the bankers woke up and realized, "Shit! We're broke too!" and promptly went to their Uncle Sam to get 'bailed out'. To help things along, the stock market went into panic mode and crashed as well. Uncle George, uh, Sam, signed TARP into law, then let the bankers keep taking huge bonuses while they foreclosed on Americans homes. It was a happy time (if you were a banker), but regular Americans were troubled... something to do with losing their homes, life savings and all that crap they'd bought from China (You just can't help some people, I swear).
Coincidentally, it was an election year too. In a burst of self-loathing, Americans decided it was time to rectify the mistake we called Dubya and elect someone with an actual IQ. The GOP, who had put up as candidates Arizona Senator John McCain and Alaska Governor Sarah Palin (figuring, 'Oh what the hell, why not? After all, who'll notice?') were caught off guard by this sudden, if temporary, burst of realistic thinking on the part of voters, who elected a Black man with the traitorous name of Barack Hussein Obama and who promised to give them affordable healthcare, to disengage from Iraq and help struggling American industries like auto manufacturers.
But the GOP (Greedy Old People) weren't beaten yet. Within weeks, Rush Limbaugh was blaming everything the GOP did under Bush on the new president and openly advocating against the leader of our country, asking, "What's wrong with wanting the President to fail?", perhaps forgetting that if the President failed then the country would stay in deep shit. Americans were appalled when they realized that 'Affordable Healthcare" meant you still actually had to pay something for it. Catholic bishops complained about birth control, rightly pointing out that since their priests only diddled little boys who couldn't even get pregnant, they shouldn't have to be forced to pay for contraception. It just wasn't fair.
Wall Street bankers, who donated tons of cash to the Obama campaign in 2008 and figured the fix was in, were appalled when the President actually suggested regulations to stop them from being so fucking stupid and Tea Party wisely put on tri-corn hats, funny noses and started going into Starbucks armed to the teeth. A good time was had by all (except the nervous Starbucks baristas).
The Republican led Congress, whose approval rating has skyrocketed from 10% to 17% in 2012 alone, led the charge against the President's attempts at helping Americans by aggressively doing nothing except voting against every measure the Democrats put forward, then rightly complaining that Mr. Obama had gotten nothing done in his first term, except for killing bin Laden and a bunch of other terrorists, which only pissed the GOP off; after all, making a killing was their job.
Then, to counter Mr. Obama's exotic background and after a bruising primary season, they put forth a candidate (now we're talking about Mitt Romney here...please keep up), a deeply religious man whose belief system includes the idea that God lives on the planet (or a planet that circles around a star called...I keep getting that confused) Kolub, that Jesus was just one god among many and every Mormon (males only, please) becomes gods themselves when they die, American Indians were actually the Lost Tribes of Israel and that the Garden of Eden was someplace near Kansas City, Missouri. And if that weren't enough, he avows, "Corporations are people, my friend." (although admittedly it is hard to punch one in the jaw).
A pratical man, Mitt Rmoney is, who believes we should've just let the entire American auto industry go bankrupt and reorganize (in China). But still, a modest man who only has inexpensive high-end Cadillac's at both his mansions, presumably because all those horses cost so much to maintain. In other words, a Man (of 1%) Of The People. A teetotaler and a pure man who apparently believes it's God's will that he take millions in campaign contributions derived from overseas gambling joints. Forget Kenya, for exoticism you can't beat that (And by the way, what the hell kinda name is Mitt anyway? I mean, if your dad was Mickey Mantle or Babe Ruth I could see it, but Mitt? Thank god...who I'll be myself if I become a Mormon with the proper Temple Reccomend before I die...my dad stuck me with Chuck, nasty rhymes notwithstanding).
So, that's America today in a nutshell, which is a fitting phrase, since at least half of us are completely nuts. I'll keep you posted on how it turns out, so don't worry about paying attention. I'm back on the case. Thank you, and goodnight.
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news story parodies as represented above are written as satire or parody.
They are, of course, fictitious.