BREEZEWOOD, Penna. - Domestic diva Martha Stewart was arrested for soliciting at a truck stop in Breezewood, Pennsylvania, early this morning just hours after she had been released from Alderson Federal Prison Camp in Alderson, WV. The 63-year-old Stewart, who had been serving a five-month sentence for lying to federal agents regarding her insider trading activities, was released two weeks early because prison officials wanted to avoid the media crunch that had accompanied Stewart's arrival Alderson last October.
Stewart was wearing a black leather jacket, skin-tight jeans, and a throwback Ann-Margret wig at the time of her arrest. She was apprehended after a female truck driver complained to Hazel Stark, night manager of the Pump, Dump, and Jump truck stop, that a woman in the ladies' shower room had offered to "clean her carpet" in exchange for a "ride east." Stark immediately dispatched an undercover security guard to the shower, and when Stewart approached her with the same offer, Stewart was arrested.
Alderson warden Lanny Gear was surprised to learn that Stewart had been apprehended. "That caught all of us here in the Alderson family by surprise," said Gear, "like somebody sneaking up you in the shower. Sure, Martie had a few rough moments at first, getting used to the fact that the other prisoners didn't know what "conundrum" meant and discovering that "face time" has a different connotation in prison than it does in corporate circles."
Nevertheless, said Gear, Stewart worked hard at being a model prisoner. She charmed fellow inmates with her skill at turning leftovers into gourmet appetizers--and with the pubic hair topiary sculptures she fashioned. The amazingly lifelike crèche that Stewart had made for the annual Christmas at Alderson Festival of the Lights pageant was also fresh on Gear's mind.
"I've never seen anything so convincing in all my years of prison work," said Gear. "It's amazing what that woman can do with sanitary napkins, aluminum foil, pine cones, and a little fingernail polish."
At least one inmate, however, contradicted Gear's Pollyanna portrait. "Martie had become increasingly militant following her conversion to Muslimism a month ago," said the inmate. "She insisted on being called by her Muslim name, Ma'isah, which means 'bitch who walks with a proud, swinging gait.'"
Following her arrest, Stewart refused to speak to Breezewood police "until I've had time to call my stockbroker." Police reportedly confiscated a leopard skin denim tote bag Stewart had hidden in one of the Pump, Dump, and Jump's lockers. The bag contained an 8-inch macrame dildo with "Kmart Kween" embossed on the side, some dried organic fruit, a photo of Yusuf Islam (Cat Stevens), a collapsible tiara, and a scrap of paper with Leona Helmsley's cell phone number written on it.
In related news, Leona Helmsley denied ever giving her cell phone number to Stewart. "She must have seen in on the Web after Paris Hilton's Sidekick got hacked," said Helmsley.