April 5, 2006

United States President George W. Bush has ordered units from the Army's 10th Mountain Division to occupy key towns and cities in the state of Wisconsin in the aftermath of that states non-binding referendum calling for an immediate withdrawal of all US forces from Iraq. The military occupation, the first in the nation since the Civil War, is an attempt to quell, and hopefully nip in the bud, rising feelings of discontent throughout the country as a whole.


Troops occupied key government buildings and Burger Kings in Shorewood, Madison, Whitefish Bay and western city of La Crosse. The main command center is located in the central city of Watertown, whose voters turned down the measure, approving continuing occupation. However, nearly 25% of that cities residents have been interned, due to their votes to pull out of Iraq.

10th Mountain Troops face a long and difficult task. Private Harold Elpme, sitting in his gun position behind Lu Lu's Lox of Bagels in Whitefish Bay said, " Man, Wisconsin is a scary place. You look around and all the people seem nice enough…too nice, really. But you gotta keep it in your mind constantly…any one of those millions of fucking cattle can be a cow bomb, what we call an IEB (Improvised Explosive Bovine). When that methane ignites, man, you don't want to be anywhere near it. Give me Fallujah any day." Private H.Elpme is not alone.

A restive population well armed with every imaginable flavor and consistency of cheese right in America's heartland is the last thing President Bush needs, with the November Congressional elections only seven months away. So, in addition to military occupation, the Bush Administration has dispatched United Nations Ambassador John Bolton to Marquette to negotiate with the dissidents. At last report, Ambassador Bolton has threatened to nuke the entire state and has reportedly executed sixteen university students in that town, all in an attempt to find a peaceful solution to the problem.

In a related vote, Wisconsin residents have elected Prairie Home Companion's Garrison Keillor to lead the revolution, citing that radio personality's capacity to write songs that can express their discontent while making them laugh at the same time. The animosity between Mr. Keillor and President Bush is well known to NPR listeners and George Bush has vowed to bring that evildoer to justice; at this writing troops are scouring the state in search of the village of Lake Woebegone, reportedly Mr. Keillor's base of operations, so far without success.