Unconfirmed Sources Print Edition
by Dood Abides

Cheney Indictment Remains Sealed, Rove Apparently Rolls

Vice President Dick Cheney at his federal booking

Washington, DC (Rotters) - Early this morning, Vice President Dick Cheney was removed from his undisclosed location and taken to another undisclosed federal location for booking and processing. Federal marshals refused to comment on the nature of the charges, but insiders felt that the actions where very likely as a result of presidential adviser Karl Rove's 3 1/2 hour testimony yesterday before independent prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald and his grand jury investigating the Valerie Plame affair.

The press was given a photograph of the Vice President's booking, but a spokesperson for Fitzgerald's office refused further comment.

Robert Luskin, attorney for Karl Rove also refused to comment, but insisted that Mr. Rove "was not a target of the investigation."

Attorneys for the Vice President stated that he was still alive and in good spirits and thanked well-wishers for their concerns, but declined to further comment about the allegations.

New Press Secretary Tony Snow speaking from the Head Room of the White House declined to comment on the Vice President's arrest.

Outgoing White House spokesperson Scott McClellan declined to comment and instead referred questions to the new White House spokesperson Tony Snow who stuttered and said that the administration does not comment on ongoing investigations saying, "Nuh-nuh, nuh-nuh-nuh, no comment."

Joe Wilson, husband of "outed" undercover CIA operative Valerie Plame was contacted for a comment. Wilson asked what others had said, and then simply smiled and said, "no comment."

Attorney General Alberto Gonzales and his staff were observed early this morning at a hastily arranged meeting to reportedly examine the legalities of the order of succession in the executive branch. A representative for Gonzalez refused to comment.

A White House cleaning lady agreed to comment on the record provided that she remained anonymous. "I've been working here since Nixon, and this is just like déjà vu all over again." she said. "I've dealt with all kinds of pets that weren't housebroken, but that's not really a problem. Urine comes out of a carpet pretty easily if there's not much of it and it's got a little time to dry. But, I've talked to my supervisor, and something's got to give. I need more help because I just can't keep up. You'd think grown men could get a grip."

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