Unconfirmed Sources Print Edition
by Dominus Noster

President Bush to classify entire government as 'top secret'

The President and his secret Press Secretary "Big Z" at a press conferenceWASHINGTON, D.C. -- In a bold move that some critics of the President have denounced as further "insulating and disconnecting" the government from the American people, the President has issued a secret Executive Order designating the entire government, including himself, as "top secret." News coverage of the Executive Order has been lax, due to the fact that it is secret.

All government officials, employees, and even elected representatives will be required to have secret identities, known only by codenames, so that no Americans can know who they are. Phone numbers and locations of government buildings and offices will also be secret. Pictures of government officials will be required to have the faces concealed. All government employees and officials will be required to wear ski masks when in a public environment.

The secret White House Press Secretary, now known by the codename "Big Z," announced during a press conference that making the entire government secret is a good first step to appease critics of the administration who have been calling for the resignation of Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld.

"Nobody really has to know who the Secretary of Defense is. It isn't the person that really matters anyways, it's the policy. From now on, the Secretary of Defense will be known by the codename "Missile," said a ski-masked White House Press Secretary "Big Z."

The Department of Defense has redacted the pictures of the Secretary of Defense on its website by blurring out his face. Administration critics even concede that without knowing the true identity of any government officials, it will be difficult to request any replacement, as the replacement would have to be kept secret as well.

Secretary of Defense "Missile"/Department of Defense photo

The President has designated himself as a secret and covert operative, going by the codename of "Official X." With the President being as much of a secret agent as was Valerie Plame, this would make it a crime to reveal information about the identity of the President. Some civil libertarian organizations are concerned that this would, in effect, be making it a crime to reveal information about who in the government is responsible for a crime.

President "Official X"/White House photo

"By making it a crime to speak the name of the President, nobody could name him as being responsible for any particular action. This would make it a crime to say anything about who leaked Valerie Plame's name," said one activist, speaking on condition of anonymity. "This is the most extreme way to disarm opponents of the administration."

A secret government source has leaked to Unconfirmed Sources information about the Secretary's identity and excerpts from the secret Executive Order.

"Although the administration might wish to diffuse criticism by confusing people, I have reliable and credible information that Donald Rumsfeld is still the Secretary of Defense," said Unconfirmed Sources' secret source, speaking only on the condition of anonymity since revealing the name of a secret operative is a crime.

According to our secret source, the secret Executive Order will make elections secret. Nobody will be able to know the identity and views of candidates. Conducting any sort of business with the government - such as getting a Social Security check or Veterans Disability Compensation - will require a top-secret security clearance.

"Making the identity and views of candidates a secret will help poor people run for office, since this will remove the need for costly campaigning," said Republican Party strategist Emma Fay Kerr. "We rich people won't have to spend our fortunes on a campaign. Even poor people could afford to campaign! This totally proves how much compassion the President really has."

When asked how poor people could run for office, since a top-secret security clearance would be required to find out where the election office is, Emma Faye Kerr had no response.

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