Unconfirmed Sources Print Edition
by Dood Abides

Norquist Scalped Over $1.5 Million from Tribes in Abramoff Republican Influence Peddling Scandal

Norquist in good spirits after his assault late Friday evening

Washington, DC (Rotters) - Political Activist Grover Norquist was released from Walter Reed Hospital today after being admitted late Friday evening, the victim of a horrific assault. Hospital authorities refused to comment on the extent of Mr. Norquist's injuries except to say that he is apparently the first victim of a scalping in over 100 years of American history. Outside of a few cuts and bruises, Norquist was apparently uninjured, and his head merely shaved against his will rather than the scalp cut off and removed.

Police authorities, quoting from a report filed after the incident, stated that Norquist was apparently briefly abducted after appearing at a $100,000 a plate republican fund raiser in Washington Friday evening. Norquist was unable to accurately describe the five assailants saying only that they appeared to him to be of Native American heritage. A police spokesperson described the investigation thus far as a nightmare, given the number of Native American tribes who might now wish harm upon Norquist.

Norquist, and his "Americans for Tax Reform" group were implicated in fleecing various Native American tribes to the tune of $1.5 million in over 1000 pages of Email transcripts released to the press this week. Norquist appeared to have worked in conjunction with longtime friend Jack Abramoff, and was handsomely rewarded for his efforts in securing "face time" with President Bush and his chief political advisor Karl Rove. Abramoff has already plead guilty to charges of bribery in connection to the massive republican influence peddling scandal.

Hospital authorities stated that they held Mr. Norquist overnight out of concerns for his mental status at the time, but experts established over 24 hours that he was at baseline. Norquist was released with instructions to sit in a warm bath to facilitate healing from his injuries.

Norquist has vowed to see that those responsible for his assault be brought to justice. An outpouring of sympathy from the Bush administration was apparent as President Bush pledged the full support of his illegal wiretapping and financial data-mining programs in the ongoing investigation. Ann Coulter has offered her favorite Louisville Slugger to Norquist for his personal defense, and has offered some of her own hair until his grows back.

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