Unconfirmed Sources Print Edition
by Dood Abides

No Diplomat Draft for Iraq Needed, State Department Now Says

Diplomat recruitment poster featuring new character "Mistress Sam"


Washington, DC (UPSI) - Countering a story published earlier today in the Washington Post, the State Department today announced that it had shelved plans for a proposed "diplomat draft". The Post today reported that the Bush administration was having extreme difficulty with finding people within their own diplomatic corps willing to serve in Iraq. Undersecretary of State Karen Hughes admitted that the draft had actually been considered as a way to force young Republican diplomats into service in the dangerous war zone, but that this was now unnecessary, as they had found other ways to appeal to core values and encourage volunteerism.

"Secretary of State Rice was a real trooper, when we approached her with our proposed ad campaign," related Hughes. "We have gotten excellent initial focus group feedback on the entire concept. We have been able to push back and make light of the propaganda circulating that claims that America tortures, and at the same time it really seems to appeal to Republican values for unquestioning and unfettered service."

The State Department claimed that requests for transfer to the Iraqi diplomatic mission were up over 50% since the unveiling of the volunteer campaign late this week, and that new applications to the diplomatic corps have skyrocketed.

"This is just more evidence of a biased media getting the story wrong again," said Undersecretary Hughes. "There really is no crisis here, end of story. Contingency plans have always been in place to have security personnel, such as Blackwater, double up and fill in positions temporarily as needed."

"Uncle Sam has finally received a needed makeover," stated Hughes. "Mistress Sam has reported for duty, and she's going to bring discipline and obedience as well as a love of service back to the diplomatic corps."

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