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National News

Afghan War Winnable If Enough People Die Says General Stanley McChrystal

August 31, 2009 Staff

General Stanley McChrystal, the top commander in Afghanistan, jubilantly proclaimed to the news media that the war in Afghanistan is winnable if we simply kill enough people. “The only thing that stands between us and [Read more]

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National News

Wal-Mart to Sell Foreclosed homes

August 30, 2009 Staff

(Bentonville, Arkansas) Ucs News: Wal-Mart Ceo Mike Duke announced the discount retailer would be joining the lucrative Foreclosure market. “We can have a constructive and profitable role to play in the market.” With homes selling [Read more]

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National News

The Dead Kennedys Welcome new band member – Senator Ted Kennedy

August 30, 2009 Staff

(San Francisco, Ca) Ucs News : With the passing of Edward Kennedy the classic American Punk Band the The Dead Kennedys have welcomed their new band mate with open arms. The bands lead singer Jello [Read more]

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National News

The Dead Kennedys Welcome new band member – Senator Ted Kennedy

August 30, 2009 Staff

(San Francisco, Ca) Ucs News : With the passing of Edward Kennedy the classic American Punk Band the The Dead Kennedys have welcomed their new band mate with open arms. The bands lead singer Jello [Read more]

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Celebrity News

Jackson death ruled as Pathetic

August 29, 2009 Staff

Michael Jackson’s death was pathetic, primarily caused by the powerful anaesthetic Propofol, the Los Angeles coroner has confirmed. (Ucs Entertainment News)The singer suffered a cardiac arrest at his Los Angeles home in June, aged 50. [Read more]

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National News

John McCain to Honor Kennedy Legacy By Blasting Healthcare Reform

August 29, 2009 Staff

(Boston, Mass) Ucs News: In a tearful speech he gave during Teddy Kennedy’s funeral service, Arizona Senator, John McCain, vowed to “Honor the legacy of one of our nations’ greatest men.” McCain said he will [Read more]

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National News

UFOs cancel plans to attack Earth Thanks to Global Climate Change

August 28, 2009 Staff

A consortium of UFOs representing five different intergalactic civilizations have abandoned their proposed takeover of planet Earth scheduled for December, 2012 because of the poor condition of the planet, according to Unconfirmed Intergalactic Sources. “The [Read more]

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Washington

Edward "Ted" Kennedy: "Top Shelf" Or Just "Bargain Basement"?

August 28, 2009 Staff

(New York-NY) Ted Kennedy, the Lion of the Senate or given his girth more like the Whale, died this week. The 40-year Senator eulogized by politicians while Twitter tweets “Mary Jo Kopechne is probably giving [Read more]

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National News

Death Star Closed for Asbestos removal : Storm Troopers launch class action lawsuit

August 28, 2009 Staff

(Orbit Over Alderaan) Ucs Imperial News: According to sources inside the Imperial Administration the Death Star will be evacuated tomorrow and closed for asbestos removal. Plagued by construction delays, cost over runs the battle station [Read more]

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National News

John McCain the Coward Flees from Mob of Uninsured Senior Citizens

August 28, 2009 Staff

(Phoenix, Arizona) Ucs News: Senator John McCain, well known for his straight talk and courageous war service, turned tail and ran from his own town hall meeting. McCain took the stage and tried to defend [Read more]