2012 End Of The World Debunked! Buy Your Christmas Presents Early

There are some myths I’ve just gotta debunk. It’s not like Myth-Busters where they actually prove (or disprove) what they’re debunking (or bunking). This is more like I’m just gonna tell ya a stupid thing then explain it. You just hafta trust me. It’s the whole The End Of The World- The Mayan calendar that ends in the year 2012. Everyone thinks the Mayan’s must’ve known something…I mean, they do this calendar that goes on and on accurately for thousands of years, then just stops. Myths have grown up all around it. For instance, the day it stops (forget the presents kids…we’re going to the bunker!) is , December 23rd 2012… Or a few days later or earlier, I can’t remember. Which doesn’t matter- back in the 1990’s my best friend in the world was a Mayan Indian immigrant named Lorenzo Santiago Tzoc Vasquez, and he told me the true story, the Mayan oral tradition.

It goes this way: the Mayan calendar (if you correlate it to our present Gregorian calendar) started in the year 3372 BC. It was commissioned by a Mayan king named Sid Lowenstein, and was supposed to go for the next five years only; Sid just wanted to see if his birthday coincided with any Mayan three-day weekend holidays. It didn’t, so Sid directed another Mayan (the first having been forced into retirement by having his entrails cut out and used for condor bait), this one named Chac, to do another five years.

Now Chac was no fool. When he did five more years and found no three day weekends either, he kept it quiet- he liked his entrails just where they were. So he kept going. And going. And going. Chac may have been no fool, but he missed one vital fact- the Monday Holiday Bill wouldn’t be enacted until January 1, 1971 (although it was signed into law on June 28, 1968). It didn’t matter though, because Sid’s birthday wouldn’t land on one until 1785-that is, if the bill had or would’ve been enacted then, which it wasn’t anyway- a statistical anomaly that spacey Hippie Astrologers are still trying to figure out.

But between the cocoa, a natural case of ADHD and the whole entrails thing, there was no way Chac was about to stop. In fact, he had gotten quite into the whole calendar thing and was beginning to branch out into silk screened tee shirts and bumper stickers too and was making a pretty penny…well, cacao bean…off it.

Still, it was getting out of hand. Chac calendar was now something like 5,200 some odd years long (between the BC and AD and the 372 it just got too hard to add it up exactly) years long. One day Chac’s buddy Mulac, hearing that Chac had been rolling in beans recently, stopped by to get a cup and maybe snag a tee shirt, maybe something with Akna on it (Not Paul the goddesses of fertility and childbirth) or the waterlilly thing . Anyway, he strolls into Chac’s shop and sees this insane calendar, 5,000 years long.

“Chac, dude,” asks Mulac, wadda fucka ya doin?’

“Making a calendar, replied Chac, eyes wide and his body buzzing from the cacao.

“Man, you gotta quit this,” said Mulac, concerned. Then a though hit him., “Hey, is this the calendar Sid asked for?”

“Yeah,” replied Chac, “And I’m not doin the entrails thing, so lay off.”

“Dude,” laughed Mulac, who was himself making a few dollars of this new plant he found that work great in chocolate…uh, cacao…brownies., “Sid’s dead! He kicked yesterday at the ball game- one of those little balls caught him just in front of the ear and he was toast.”

“Really?”, asked Chac.

“Sure, they even slaughtered both teams in his honor. You can’t walk around there without slipping on entrails and the condors are having a field day.”

Chac was of course relieved, but also disturbed; he’d put a lot of work into that calendar and it was hard to leave it behind. “What’ll I write at the end?” He asked.

Mulac laughed, well giggled like a stoner actually, “I know, just say “The World Ends Here”. Dude, what’s the dif? It’s not like the things gonna be around in 5,000 years; I mean get real.” Then he got serious, “Say, you got any cacao you can spare?”