$365 Million Powerball Winner Steps Forward!

Lincoln, NB (Rotters) – The excitement reached a fever pitch yesterday as the U-Stop in downtown Lincoln revealed that the winning ticket with numbers 15, 17, 43, 44, 48, and Powerball 29 had been sold there. It turns out that the ticket had not been bought last Friday, as originally reported, but in actuality had been bought earlier this month on February 3rd.

An ecstatic President Bush today displayed the winning ticket at a press conference in Washington, DC., saying, “The numbers that I chose represent the times in my life that that I’ve gotten into trouble for drinking or drugs.” Bush went on to explain that he had a member of his secret service contingent buy the ticket for him when his motorcade stopped in at the U-Stop for a raspberry latte earlier in February. The president was attending a fund raiser in Omaha, Nebraska at the time.

Walden O’Dell, chief executive of Diebold Inc., makers of a controversial new line of paperless lottery tickets, as well as the printed ticket machine from which the president’s ticket was sold, was quick to offer his congratulations. “We’re just pleased as punch to be able to deliver this win to President Bush.”

White house spokesperson Scott McClellan later stated, “As you would expect, the first family is in a bit of shock after the win, and the president isn’t quite sure how he will proceed from this point. He has said that he fully intends to continue with his old job, but maybe putting in fewer hours, and not working as hard. It’s not very likely that $365 million is going to change the way that he thinks or behaves.”

Rumors were circulating that there may have been another ticket with the winning numbers, but White House Special Advisor Karl Rove was working hard to put them down. Mr. Rove stated, “That’s the problem with these contests… all of a sudden you have all kinds of the worst sorts of people crawling out of the woodwork to take advantage. To them I say, be careful, because there are awfully stiff penalties for fraud if one doesn’t have the right connections.”

The President is reported to be opting to have the entire winnings disbursed as a lump sum, and as quickly as possible. The American public will now hold its breath to see if the president and the country winds up on the same path as other past big winners of lottery payouts in which fortunes have been squandered away and individuals and families bankrupted.