Washington — The U.S.Consumer Product Safety Commission in its largest recall ever, is recalling all pencils in the United States.

Francis Delaney, a spokesperson for the department, said that a consumer called the department’s attention, that pencils contained lead. Psychologist Henry Gerson of the University of Florida said that the low I.Q. and lack of knowledge and ambition of today’s generation of kids, was probably from their chewing on pencils in the classroom.
” Children are the prime users of pencils, especially in the lower grades” he explained.

Hazard Materials (HAZMAT) units throughout the country are establishing pencil drop off points in remote areas. Dressed is a safety uniform, Don Jacobs, chief of Jacksonville’s (FL) HAZMAT unit, said that the disposal of the pencils was being investigated. ” We are considering weighing them down and dropping them in the deep waters of the Gulf of Mexico.”

Panicked parents are overloading medical clinics to have their children checked for lead. School officials throughout the country have closed schools in order to have desks and lockers thoroughly searched.

Head of Homeland Security, Michael Chertoff, said his department is investigating the possibility that Taliban terrorists are the source of a diabolic scheme to poison American children.

Francis Delaney of The Consumer Product Safety Commission announced a few minutes ago that the pencil recall has been cancelled. ” Our technicians have just finished analysis of pencils and have determined that they contain graphite, not lead. Lead was used as a writing material 200 years ago, and the term “lead” pencils has lingered and it is a misnomer. We’re sorry to have upset you!”