WASHINGTON – An AARP physician told Unconfirmed Sources yesterday that the recent increase in Vice President Dick Cheney’s shoe size had “ominous implications” for the Social Security debate. “To put it bluntly, the elderly population of the United States is in for a screwing,” said Eric Rasmussen, M.D., urologist and political analyst for the AARP.
“I wouldn’t turn my back on this man,” said Rasmussen, “especially given his support for privatizing Social Security and replacing it with a national lottery.”
The growth in Cheney’s shoe size was recorded last week when the vice president and his usual entourage of Secret Service agents visited the Johnston & Murphy retail store at Tyson’s Corner Shopping Center in McLean, Virginia. Cheney, a longtime Johnston & Murphy customer, generally prefers to order his shoes by phone from the comfort and safety of his bunker. This time, however, he made a personal visit to the store because his shoes had begun to pinch.
A confidential foot measurement taken on the occasion of Cheney’s visit revealed that the vice president’s shoe size had increased from 9 1/2 EE to 10 EEE since he last purchased shoes, just before the 2004 Republican National Convention. A copy of the measurement was subsequently leaked to Unconfirmed Sources, along with a copy of the vice president’s receipt.
According to the leaked documents, the vice president selected a pair of steel-reinforced Ted Nugent Whackmaster combat boots. He also bought two dozen new pair of boxer shorts with comfort-fitted fronts.
According to some medical experts, the increase in the vice president’s shoe size could be a sign that he is at risk for congestive heart failure or renal insufficiency. These possibilities underscore the troublesome realization that George W. Bush is only a heartbeat away from the presidency.
A contrary analysis was offered by Dr. Rasmussen, however. “The increase in the vice president’s shoe size most likely correlates with an increase in the size of his penis.” This condition, said Rasmussen, is not uncommon in older men for whom power rather than sex is the ultimate arousal mechanism—apart from Viagra.
In related news, Republican media adviser R. Gregory Stevens, 42, former co-chairman of the Bush/Cheney Entertainment Task Force, died of celebrity neglect yesterday in a guest room at the home of longtime friend and actress Carrie Fisher.