Abu Musab al-Zarqawi Autopsy Results Released

June 11, 2006

Officials from the United States and several countries are conducting an autopsy on the remains of Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, the Jordanian born leader of al Qaeda in Iraq, in order to determine his exact cause of death. Despite the fact that two five hundred pound bombs landed on the safe house he was in, questions about how al-Zarqawi actually died have risen throughout the Middle East, with allegations that the mutilated militant was alive after the attack but was beaten to death by American forces who arrived at the scene shortly after he was pulled from the rubble of the bombed building, which sounds suspiciously like over-kill to this reporter.

While acknowledging that the tricky terrorist was indeed still pumping blood when they arrived, American forces spokesmen have flatly denied any suggestion of apres’ bombing violence. In a statement issued from it’s Green Zone headquarters in Baghdad, military commanders described al-Zarqawi’s last minutes. Saying that the mangled militant mumbled something that sounded suspiciously like, “I coulda had a V-8”, the statement went on to say that injured insurgent had tried to roll off the stretcher he was on, then just sorta died. They flatly denied that al-Zarqawi suffered any injury at the hands of his captors, other than being blown up with a half ton of explosives, of course.

Initial autopsy reports indicate that while the damaged Dead Ender indeed suffered severe injuries in the bombing, the actual manner of death was a “slip and fall accident” which occurred while the tattered Thug was emerging from a hot tub located in the spa room of the safe house seconds before the bombing. A military spokesman said, “Even in war torn Iraq, hot tubs remain one of the most dangerous recreational devices known to man and we strongly urge all Iraqi’s, whether they love Democracy and Freedom or are the Tools of Evil, to be careful in hot tubs, showers and around swimming pools. The Coalition suggests non-skid self adhesive pads in all wet areas and further urges all Iraqi’s to learn CPR.”

An unintended result of the findings has been a dramatic fall off in the formally robust sales of all recreational equipment throughout Iraq, but Coalition forces hope that with the continuing death of al-Zarqawi sales will eventually rebound, resulting in a lasting peace and democracy.