Dallas, TX (UPSI) – After announcing his resignation early this morning in Washington, DC, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales was arrested at Dallas-Fort Worth International Airport apparently attempting to flee the country. Gonzalez reportedly presented a false passport and a one-way ticket to Paraguay which raised the suspicions of transportation safety personnel on duty. Authorities would not confirm a rumor that the Attorney General was carrying over $15 million in large bills in a small carry-on diplomatic pouch.
When taken into custody, Gonzales reportedly began flashing a business card to officers and shouting “Do you know what this is? Do you know who I am? Does this mean anything to you?”
“This is all a terrible misunderstanding,” offered White House spokesperson Dana Perino. “Mr. Gonzales was simply attempting to spend more time with his family… who had left for Paraguay for an extended vacation at the Bush compound earlier this week.” The Gonzalez family was reportedly joining the Rove family for a working vacation and strategy session for the final 16 months of the Bush administration.
Senate majority leader Harry Reid revealed that Gonzales had been under what amounted to “double secret probation” and that this was a clear violation of the agreement he had earlier negotiated with the White House. Senator Patrick Leahy stated that the Judiciary Committee hearings would resume immediately.
A spokesperson for the Attorney General’s office insisted that this was merely further evidence of a “democrat witchhunt” gone out of control. “Folks forget that he’s still the Attorney General until September 17th,” stated the spokesperson, “I would be very surprised if these circumstances merited any further investigation.”