Administration Announces Sale of U.S. Army to China

The White House has issued a statement yesterday revealing it’s plans to reduce it’s massive National Debt by selling off various governmental assets. George W. Bush is expected to hold a news conference later today announcing the sale of the United States military forces, including the National Guard and Coast Guard, to China. The deal, worth an estimated three hundred and sixty billion dollars over three years is expected to be completed by January 15th, 2005. The deal must be ratified by the Republican led Congress but all reports suggest it will pass easily.

Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, ” I suppose you’re gonna make this all sound worse than it is in your piddling little column, but you gotta think about it from our side. What are the two biggest problems facing the Administration today? That’s right, the War in Iraq and the economy. We’re losing about fifteen billion dollars a month. Well, if we can pop three hundred and sixty billion back into bank that’ll put us back to where we were two years ago, debt wise. In addition we reduce our monthly nut by billions. On the War side, one of two things are going to happen…either the Chinese will sort out the mess we made of Iraq and the war is over or things will go on the way they’ve been going, only now the Chinese get the blame, not George Bush. It’s win/win, really”

Continuing to be anonymous Waterhouse went on, ” Now, I know there are gonna be a lot of questions about this sale. For instance military wives are already trying to figure out whether they’re now Chinese citizens or Americans. The short answer is: start learning to speak Mandarin, kids. The Administration will however be issuing green cards to the former Americans and their immediate families good for the next six months so they can get their affairs in order. After all, we’re not completely heartless. Of course when the cards expire, they’re immediately deported to Peking. If they don’t like it, let em go to Tiananmen Square and protest it”

Opinion in the military is divided over the sale. Many top generals are worried that their seniority will be reduced in the move, but the average grunt on the streets of Fallujah seem to be receptive to the deal. Said Private H. Elpme, “First off, I’ve always loved Kung Pao Chicken and they don’t make a MRE with that in it, so that’s good. On the actual war front, anything’s better than Donald Rumsfeld.”