Administration Outsources Iraq Security to Al Qaida


The Iraqi Interim Governing Counsel has announced that it the future it will begin to outsource any of it’s security operations that are not being handled by the United States military forces. Prime Minister Iyad Allawi, in a speech made from the heavily protected Green Zone, said that the Counsel has hired Al Qaida to provide security citing the fact that America cannot keep his country safe.

Abdul Bull Durham, the head of Al Qaida’s most powerful labor organization, the Union of Thugs, Losers, Dead Enders and Assassins (U.T.L.D.E.&A.), in an interview from the union’s headquarters in Fallujah said, “We in the U.T.L.D.E.&A. are ready to get to work as soon as this new contract with Allawi is inked. We pledge to not allow ourselves to disrupt the upcoming elections, blow up any more pipelines or plant anymore roadside bombs. If we do, we will respond to the threats we represent to the stability of Iraq with deadly force. Let this be a warning to us. We will never rest until we have hunted us down and removed ourselves as a threat to the peace and stability of Iraq.”

The security contract, estimated to be worth three hundred and sixty five million dollars over five years, is being welcomed by Lt. General Thomas Metz, the commander of U.S. ground forces in Iraq. General Metz issued a prepared statement that read in part, “The U.T.L.D.E.&A seem to have a pretty good handle on themselves and I feel confident that they’ll know the best way to hunt themselves down and remove themselves as a threat to the stability of this stupid country. God knows that with Donald Rumsfeld as Secretary of De(fe)nse we Americans won’t be able to do it.”

Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on condition of anonymity said, “I know on the face of it hiring the U.T.L.D.E.&A looks a little odd but really it’s quite brilliant, at least as brilliant as this Administration is ever going to get. You’ve heard the old adage the enemy of my enemy is my friend? Well, in this case the enemy of my enemy is same enemy that is my enemy so therefore he’s not really my enemy but is in reality is his own enemy and that being the case my enemy is not really my enemy but in this situation is my friend. At least that’s how Paul Wolfowitz explained it to me.”