Afghan War Winnable If Enough People Die Says General Stanley McChrystal

General Stanley McChrystal, the top commander in Afghanistan, jubilantly proclaimed to the news media that the war in Afghanistan is winnable if we simply kill enough people.

“The only thing that stands between us and victory is a bunch of people shooting at us and opposing us”, McChrystal said as he chomped on a Cuban cigar. “If we can kill those people then we will be guaranteed victory!”

McChrystal admitted that many innocent men, women and children who were not carrying weapons have also died during the war. “One death of an innocent person is a tragedy”, McChrystal explained. “100,000 deaths is collateral damage”.

The General explained that his troops were under specific orders to only kill people that possessed weapons, could possess weapons or may possess weapons in the future.

“That’s everyone”, McChrystal declared.

McChrystal also requested more troops be brought into the country because having more troops would enable the soldiers to kill more people and bring the war to an end sooner.

Secretary of Defense Robert Gates defended McChrystal’s strategy. “It makes perfect sense that we will win the war if there’s no one left to oppose us.”

At least one soldier, who asked to remain anonymous, disagreed with Gates. “Why don’t we just pull out now and screw this whole thing?” he asked.