State Department Reveals; Russians Now Know Everything

Tillerson and Putin during better times.
Tillerson and Putin during better times.

Continued Russian hacking scandal has put a damper on formerly warm relations between Putin,Tillerson and Trump.

Red faced State Department officials admitted today that the Russian government now knows everything there is to know about the United States and keeping secrets has become ‘a big joke’.

“We have tons and tons of secret documents”, said a State Department official who asked to remain nameless. “The Russians have copies of everything. They have accessed all our sensitive computers, downloaded all military secrets, copied all NASA files and even know about our secret German radar installations! If they didn’t have access to everything how would they know about the atomic weapons hidden in the Ozarks? Or the Alaskan ones? Not to mention our secret UFO technology!”

President Trump  assured reporters that steps are being taken to assure they don’t find out anything else from now on. And said,  “Wouldn’t it be a good thing if we were friends with Putin?”

Secretary State Rex Tillerson was noticeably angry about the security breaches. After a cordial meeting with reporters, Tillerson entered the men’s room where witnesses saw him kicking the stall doors while screaming “those fucking commie bastards are making me look bad!!!”