Al Qaeda Issues Statement Of Support For Donald Rumsfeld

April 15,2006

Echoing United States President George W. Bush’s expression of support for Donald Rumsfeld, which came in response to those calling for his resignation, the International Terrorist Organization Al Qaeda has issued a release calling on the president to keep Donald Rumsfeld in his post. The welcome endorsement comes at a critical time for the beleaguered Secretary of Defense, who has recently come under fire from a growing number of retired generals who served under him.

The statement says, in part, “God has given us Rumsfeld and for that we praise Him. Not withstanding the fact that he is a tool of Satan and reviled in Paradise, he’s still a Helluva guy. We couldn’t have achieved greatness without him. While we actually agree with everything the American generals have said, we in contrast believe that rather than being a condemnation of Mr. Rumsfeld, the son of a vile dog, these statements are in fact the very reason to keep him in place to serve as the unwitting tool of Radical Islam. By the same token, we call upon the Great Satan United States to not impeach George W. Bush. What’s wrong with you guys anyway?”

While it is uncertain what effect Al Qaeda’s show of support will have among the general public and in the Pentagon, the White House is welcoming it’s release. Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, ” President Bush and Don Rumsfeld knew, when faced with such a determined enemy as the Chiefs of Staff, that you just have to stay the course and sooner or later you’ll be vindicated. Al Qaeda’s statement shows that while Rumsfeld is about as popular as a tick on your thingie here at home, he still has broad international support.”

In addition to Al-Qaeda’s show of support, the White House also expects the release of letters of recommendation from multi-national corporations such as Halliburton, Lockheed Martin, General Dynamics and Raytheon. Speaking on the condition that I don’t write any article accusing him of being involved in the Valerie Plame leak scandal, Waterhouse continued, “Regular Americans don’t understand that war is an economic issue. They bitch that Bush isn’t doing enough for the economy, yet they want to take the bread and butter out of the mouths of the weapons industry. I don’t understand it. If we pull out, what will happen to the portfolio’s of all those loyal Americans who, in the wake of 9/11, saw a patriotic way to make a bundle of cash by buying stock in our military suppliers? Did you ever think of that? Huh? Donald Rumsfeld is an important economic tool that will keep America financially strong, if writhing in massive debt, for generations to come. Plus, he’s the only one who’ll still hang out with George Bush after work. Even Laura’s joined a knitting circle just to have an excuse to get out of the house.”