Unconfirmed sources report that Federal Election Committee has slapped the Al-Qaida network with massive fines for making illegal in kind contributions to the Kerry campaign. The fines totaling nearly 17 million dollars stem from campaign activities sponsored by the group to benefit the Kerry campaign. The activities cited by the committee include kidnappings, car bombings, RPG attacks and other acts of violence against American forces in Iraq.
“It’s about time someone cracked down on these guys for giving aid to the Kerry campaign.” Said Mark Hyman, of Sinclair Broadcasting. “Car bombs in Iraq are clearly an in kind contribution to the Kerry campaign. Every time something bad happens over there it is a mark against The President’s re-election campaign. Al-Qaida would dearly love to see President Bush replaced with Senator Kerry who has a weak Senatorial record when it comes to national defense and fighting terrorism. I know something about illegal in kind contributions and these attacks defiantly fall into that category.”
In addition to funding in kind terrorist acts in support of the Kerry campaign, The Al-Qaida Network is also being fined for not filing the proper paper work in conjunction with its donations. Nathan Barns of the FEC stated. “The Al-Qaida paper work is absolutely a mess. They tried to register as a PAC, then a 527, then as a non-profit religious based charity. Honestly, I think are trying to game the system in support of their preferred candidate. It’s sad really.”
Abu Musab al-Zarqawi spoke to the media at a press conference in a cellar in Falluja. “The charges are absurd. To think that we are giving in kind support to the Kerry campaign is absolutely untrue. The actions of the current president have been a godsend to us. Our recruiting efforts have been made much easier by Mr. Bush’s actions. As to our FEC filing troubles, we had paid a lobbyist recommended by Tom Delay to do that stuff. We ourselves are very disappointed to hear that our filings are out of order. We will be re-filing with FEC to rectify the situation. I am confident that it will be found that the 17 million in fines is a mistake and will be reversed.”