The fears of a respected band of NASA scientists seem to be coming true as a band of extraterrestrial intelligent beings (ETI) announced today that they are going ahead with a full-scale invasion of the planet.
Though the ETI did not speak English, they were able to telepathically send their message through NASA scientist Seth Baum. “They say we are destroying the planet and they want to destroy us before we infect any more planets!” Baum stated. “We are doomed!”
Baum’s colleagues Jacob Haqq-Misra and Shawn Domagal-Goldman reiterated his claims.
“We must stop all oil drilling, stop driving and stop burning fossil fuels right now if there is going to be any hope for humanity!” said Haqq-Misra. “If we don’t they will destroy us all!”
Baum said he was uncertain how the aliens planned on destroying us but said one possible way is eating us, though this is considered unlikely as humans are not very appetizing to most ETI. “We would have to be heavily marinated”, Domagal-Goldman stated.
Instead of killing, they may instead decide to enslave us. “That doesn’t bother me”, said Ralph Ritchey, a 34 year old construction worker. “It’d probably beat the job I have now!”
The aliens said that if the humans were eradicated they could make Earth a veritable paradise for their own people.
“And we wouldn’t screw up like you guys are doing!” one of the aliens stated.