All Baseball Players May be Indicted for Steroid Abuse

Major League Baseball officials have determined that every baseball player in the league since 1980 has been abusing steroids and other performance enhancing products.

Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig told the news media today that he suspects Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens, Alex Rodriguez, Pedro Martinez, Randy Johnson, Ivan Rodriguez, Ken Griffey Jr., Mark McGwire, Vladimir Guerrero, Nomar Garciaparra, Derek Jeter, Chipper Jones, Greg Maddux, Mariano Rivera, Kevin Brown, Sammy Sosa, Roberto Alomar, Shawn Green, Mike Piazza, Rafael Palmeiro, Manny Ramirez, Todd Helton, Bernie Williams, Andrew Jones, Mike Mussina, Jeff Bagwell, Jason Giambi, Edgar Martinez, David Wells, Carl Everette, Carlos Delgado, Frank Thomas, Edgardo Alfonzo, Trevor Hoffman, Darin Erstad, Steve Finley, Jermaine Dye, Troy Glaus, Tom Glavine, Kris Benson, Brian Giles, Larry Walker, Jim Edmonds, Albert Belle, Eric Karros, Orlando Hernandez, Juan Gonzales, Bobby Abreu, Antonio Alfonseca, Scott Rolen and Andres Galarraga, among others, of abusing steroids even though none of them have tested positive for the drugs.

“They take them during the off-season”, Selig claimed. “And they find ways to make them undetectable during the season. The problem is, a ballplayer who is not on steroids can’t possibly compete against players who are on steroids. Steroids make them better ball players. Look at (Barry) Bonds. He allegedly took roids and this made him the heaviest hitter of all time. Without drugs, I think, he would have just been another ball player”.

Not all players agreed with Selig. Julio Lugo, former of the Houston Astros, said “I think we should all be the best players we can be without the use of drugs”.

Lugo is arguably one of the worst players in the past 25 years.

“I admit, I take few roids now and again”, said one Red Sox player who asked not to be named. “But so does every other guy in the league! Show me a player who doesn’t and I’ll show you a guy going back to the minors!”

All Other sports teams claim that none of their players have ever taken steroids or any kind of performance enhancing product.

“If one of my guys takes so much as an aspirin I’ll suspend him for two games”, lied New England Patriots football coach Bill Belichick.