Yesterday I told you about some of the seemingly myriad candidates of the Republican field…I really should have numbered them because now even I don’t remember how many there are and none of us care enough to go back and check (be honest now, do you?). Damn. Anyway, today I’m gonna go through what the current guy, Barack H. Obama, has done with his past two and a half plus years in office. Remember, the bashing I’m about to do isn’t because he’s a Black man; no, he’s only half Black and every good Republican, when trashing the Obama Administration, should concentrate only on the White half has done. Anything else would be racist, you see. Michelle Obama we’ll leave outta this entirely cause she’s just too hot and smart for us to deal with. But first, to set the scene, let’s stroll down memory lane to those last, glory-filled days of the Cheney/Bush Empire…
Remember 2008? We had single-handedly just about won two simultaneous wars- Iraq and Afghanistan. Our National Coffers were overflowing with wealth. Employers were begging for workers because our employment rate was at a near record 98% and the other 2% that didn’t have a job were the wealthiest of us all- they didn’t need one. Everyone was living in great big houses that were all paid off, had no long-term credit card debt and the entire population was healthy and strong, due to the fact that the greatest and most affordable medical care facilities on Earth were right here in America. New cars were pouring from the showrooms faster than Chrysler, Ford and GM could make them. Gas was fifty cents a gallon.
We were loved and respected from Paris to Pyongyang. The stock markets were approaching record highs and everyone’s 401K’s were the guarantee of a long and easy retirement. In fact, things were so good that since we couldn’t reelect Dick Cheney and George Bush to a third term like we all wanted to, we decided that even a half White guy couldn’t fuck things up for us, so we elected a young Democrat named Barack Obama. After all, what could go wrong? So, given the bountiful state of the union in 2008, what did go wrong in just these last two and a half plus years?
It must’ve been the wrath of God or something (just ask Michelle Bachman. She’s got some great bits on that stuff. After her Tropical Storm Lee set I can’t wait to hear her 9/11 routine). Anyway. From the very minute he took office…no, wait, from the moment he was elected…all of our wealth inexplicably disappeared and we were suddenly faced with a trillions of dollars deficit. The wars we were so close to finishing, needing really to only bring the troops home, suddenly flared up again. The automakers were on the verge of insolvency, people suddenly began losing homes and retirement accounts, healthcare costs skyrocketed from their Cheney/Bush era affordability and our robust housing market just spontaneously collapsed. The big investment firms and insurance companies were teetering on the verge of bankruptcy. And all of this happened the very minute Barack Hussein Obama (who was suddenly revealed to us to be a half Black Muslim terrorist, a socialist, a communist, someone who we realized wasn’t even a born American!) was elected. In the words of Cotton Mather, “What Devilry was amoungft Us!?”
Actually, I have no clue if ole Cotton said anything remotely like that, but it sure wouldn’t surprise me if he had (Actually, it wouldn’t surprise me if Rick Santorum, Michelle Bachman or Rick Perry said it either). The point is, it was all Barack Obama’s fault. All of it. Suddenly the United States, just by the virtue of ignoring our White Christian Roots and electing Barack Obama, found itself about to implode. People started wearing tri-corn hats and carrying ‘Don’t Tread On Me’ flags in an effort to stave off imminent destruction (Why? I have no idea. I don’t make the news, I just distort it.). At a complete loss as to where everyone’s money suddenly went, the new president asked Congress to loan first the automakers money, then the big banks (actually Barbara Bush’s little boy Georgie asked for that, but you get where I’m going here…just cause he did it doesn’t make it his fault or anything). Congress had no problem with giving buckets of cash to the big banks, after all, it was their money they were talking about, but the AM radio pudnits, who probably drive expensive foreign cars, properly called the auto industry bailout “A Socialist Takeover Of American Corporations!” and rightly argued that these American businesses should fold rather than let that happen. They then decried the AIG bailout and promptly bought stock in the company when it was selling for $1.25 a share and sold it at $30.00 (Post Bailout) a few months later.
But what was truly horrific was that this man in the White House should try to cravenly dismember the American Way by seeking a solution for the suddenly skyrocketing health care costs that forced forty five million or so Americans to be unable to visit a doctor. Disgusting. Of course there’s more; with this guy there’s always more…Cash for Clunkers, Mortgage Tax Credits, Stimulus Programs, Unemployment Extensions, all designed to help (wait for it) Middle Income and Poor Americans! How wrong-headed can one man be? I mean, some of these things equaled the cost of months worth of fighting in Iraq. Where were his priorities? Allah only knows.
You know, I can’t even go on…it’s too depressing. From a wealthy and secure Republican-led nation in 2008 we’ve gone to this. I can’t even talk right now about the jobs he managed to save, or the end of the Great Recession, or the complete payback of the auto industry bailout money. Thank God the GOP was able to force him to extend the tax breaks for our wealthiest Americans in this time of deficit reduction by threatening to shut down the government and blocking everything else he’s tried to do, good or bad, just on general principles. Otherwise, where we be today? God Bless them and the Tea Party. And boy, do I miss Dick Cheney and George W. Bush.