Washington, DC (Rotters) – The White House appears to have pulled out all stops in its efforts to defend embattled Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, announcing today that tearful American Idol fan Ashley Ferl would be accompanying the Attorney General on a series of appearances across the nation designed to promote child safety. Ferl has been credited with single-handedly saving a controversial American Idol contestant, Sanjaya Malakar, through a spontaneous display of tears last night, and the White House appears to be betting that the same display might help Gonzales survive a political firestorm that threatens to engulf others, including possibly the President.
“I love Fredo, he’s a cute, sweet guy and he has an amazingly soothing voice,” stated Ashley, who was reached for comment at her home. “I just really hate what he’s going through, and I hope the president sticks with him.”
Ashley’s publicist refused to divulge specifics in regards to the financial compensation that she is to receive, but stated that they are negotiating with the White House over possibly having Ashley also become a fixture at press secretary Tony Snow’s daily press briefings. It was rumored that a front row seat was being cleared for Ashley, and that she might indeed be bumping iconic White House correspondent Helen Thomas to the second row.
“We’re willing to do whatever it takes to head off this nasty business of political show trials, and have Congress returned to serving at the pleasure of the president as they’re constitutionally mandated,” stated press secretary Snow. “The Democrats opened the emotional can of worms when they didn’t accept the president’s generous offer and fired off their subpoenas… well, we can play the emotional game too.”