Unconfirmed sources report that Iraqi insurgents who held Fallujah have greeted American forces with open arms. The insurgents packed the streets and rooftops of the city and rained flowers and candies upon the assaulting American troopers. Fallujah is peaceful tonight, as American forces have liberated the town without firing a shot.
“Just like in Paris in World War II.” Said White House flack Ben Lion. “The Iraqi people have greeted us as liberators all over again. Freedom marched into that town today and the people responded. It is just like we keep trying to tell the American people, the Iraqis love Americans and our brave and fearless leader, George W. Bush. As a matter of fact many insurgents held up American flags as our troops entered the city. Today is a great day for the people of Fallujah, Fallujah has become a symbol of the American success in the region.”
Former insurgent Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, the Jordanian extremist, who has masterminded dozens of suicide bombings, kidnappings and beheadings, greeted the Americans at the edge of the city. He then rode with the American commander in his humvee and toured the city. The two men were seen laughing and holding their raised hands together as a show of unity to the people of Fallujah. The two then shared a light meal of falafel, hummus, and tea before speaking with the media.
“What a relief it is to finally have the Americans here.” Said al-Zarqawi at a joint press conference held later in the day. “We are so glad they have arrived to liberate us from Sadam Hussein. All this time since Sadam’s capture we have waited to be liberated. We were very disappointed when you started to liberate us before and stopped for your elections. But hey, now you are here and we are saved.”
“We though this is going to be the biggest fight in Iraq.” Said Lieutenant-Colonel Jim Rainey, of the Seventh Cavalry regiment. “But we were wrong. The intelligence was all wrong. The CIA was wrong. The NSA was wrong. The British MI5 was wrong. Only the Neo-Cons who stand bravely back in Washington D.C. based think tanks had it right. I sure am glad there is somebody back home who knows what is going on here and I’m real glad that they have the Presidents ear.”
The situation in Fallujah caught many Arab experts by surprise. Even Juan Cole, a Professor of History at the University of Michigan, and the man behind the influential web site Informed Comment had it wrong. “I’m eating crow today.” Said Cole in a phone interview. “I figured we would have to level the place to get the insurgents out of there. I was betting on a major loss of life on both sides. Boy do I look like a jerk. I will never question George W. Bush’s insight into the minds of Arabs again.”
“I just can’t believe how nice the people of Iraq are.” Said Private John Public. “They love us here. I can’t wait till this thing is over and I can bring my family to visit, or maybe even live here. You see, I have bad allergies and the clean desert air is just fantastic. I haven’t felt this good in years. I love Iraq! And Iraq loves us!”
It’s all smiles at the White House as members of the Bush regime and interim Prime Minister of Iraq Iyad Allawi engaged in some hand shaking and back slapping over the successes in Iraq. President Bush was flushed with success as he spoke briefly with reporters.
“We worked hard. And we’ve made some real progress. The world is safer because Sadam Hussein is no longer in power.” Said the President his trademark smirk locked in place. “Fallujah is a symbol of what American force can do to bring peace and cooperation to the world. I want the whole world to see Fallujah as the model of future relations between America and all of our Arab friends.”