Americans Now Healthier Thanks to Tainted Drinking Water

Thanks to improper disposal of pharmaceutical products, Americans in 42 states are now reporting sharply lowed levels of cholesterol, reduced blood pressure, improved metal acuity and other health related benefits.

Hospitals and pharmacies across the nation have been dumping discarded pharmaceutical products down drains and flushing them down toilets. In addition, people excrete many medications that have not fully metabolized. Federal officials have been finding these medications in the nations drinking water.

“I feel better than I have in years”, said 58 year old Colorado Springs resident Stan Gertner. “I started drinking eight glasses of water a day. My cholesterol has dropped, my blood pressure has been reduced and I’ve lost 25 pounds. Even my hair’s growing back! Not to mention I don’t have to buy the prescriptions anymore”.

Arizona senator John McCain praised the improvements in the nation’s tap water. “I am glad that our drinking water is loaded with pharmaceutical products that will enhance the health and well being of America”, McCain stated.

In addition to cholesterol and blood pressure lowering drugs, EPA officials have found significant traces of Prozac, anxiety-reducing tranquilizers, muscle building steroids, Chinese herbals medicines and small amounts of stimulants such as cocaine, which can be therapeutic in small doses.

EPA administrator Joelle Higgins claims that only 46 million Americans are currently enjoying the health benefits of the tainted tap water.

“We hope someday all drinking water can have chlorine, fluoride and whatever medicines people need to have a healthy and long life” she stated.