Oswego, NY (Rotters) – Right Wing NeoCon pundit Ann Coulter was very nearly killed by her own hair last night to the shock and amazement of an auditorium filled with admirers at a small private college in upstate New York. Fans quickly rushed to the stage and were able to wrestle Ms Coulter and her hair to the ground. Her hair was removed from around her throat and rescue breathing started by a fan before she was transported to a local hospital. Hospital authorities stated that the now completely shorn Coulter was resting in stable condition and would likely be released later today.
Coulter was at the college promoting her latest book on the state enforced religion of godless liberalism.
“It was just spooky,” stated a fan in attendance. “She was right on the money, hitting her stride as usual, and you could just feel the electricity in the air. Her hair just sort of seemed to come to life.”
“Everything was going well,” said another fan, “until the end when she was taking questions and tried to deal with a heckler. This guy asked her if it wasn’t true that she was actually a man, and she snapped back at him that not only was she a woman, she was a natural blond, too. Then her hair just seemed to go berserk… some of it started to choke her… some more of it looked like it was trying to rip her clothes off… and another lock grabbed a baseball bat that she had brought along as a prop and started hitting her in the head with it… It was pretty scary.”
Coulter’s publicist offered that she would likely resume her book promotion tour as soon as she was released. She stated that Coulter has accepted all responsibility for the incident citing a liberal application of mousse as the explanation for the near tragedy.