Unwed, Bible-Humping, “I-am-not-a-lesbian”, Christian Conservative Ann Coulter revealed today that she plans on undergoing a delicate procedure to remove her Adam’s Apple in an effort to attract a mate.
“I think God made a mistake by giving me this Adam’s Apple thing”, the husky-voiced Coulter told the news media. “The reason everyone thinks I’m a lesbian is because guys don’t want to go out with a woman with an Adam’s Apple bigger than theirs!”
Coulter, who also has broad shoulders and “man hands”, has slept with dozens of men but many of them revealed afterwards that they were gay and simply wanted the novelty of sleeping with a woman.
“She was more butch than most of the guys I sleep with”, said openly gay high school gym teacher Richard Felt. “She picked me up and tossed me around the room like I was silly putty!”
Coulter’s doctor Richard Carey said there there were definite risks involved in the operation. “We have to remove a tremendous amount of cartilage bit by bit”, Carey told Unconfirmed Sources. “One tiny slip up and she’ll be a worthless mute for the rest of her life. There’s also the risk that after the procedure she’s going to sound like a girl”.
Coulter explained that she understood the risks but was willing to take them.
“I just want to get laid by a nice Christian conservative guy who loves me!” she lamented.
Dr. Carey said that was quite a tall order. “After we get rid of her Adam’s Apple we’ll get to work on that penis”, he stated.