Cupertino, CA (Rotters) – Apple Computers’ Steven Jobs today unveiled the first transcutaneous combination iPod/Pacemaker called the ekgPod. The announcement comes on the heels of recent studies showing that the popular mp3 player is responsible for potentially interfering with cardiac pacemakers. Jobs stated that the first units will be slated for heart patients only, but after the initial rollout, implantation would be available to anyone able to secure a doctor’s consent.
“This is the classic ‘lemonade out of lemons’ development and marketing strategy,” stated a spokesperson from Wired magazine. “Apple has turned a potentially fatal flaw into a main selling point with unlimited growth potential. With today’s young culture embracing all manner of body modification through piercings and tattoos, this is just the next logical step. Every kid is going to want to have one.”
The current model of the ekgPod features two cutaneous jacks, one is a standard stereo mini-plug for head phones or earbuds, and the other is a mini-usb2 combination charging/data transfer receptacle. The unit features 80gb of shared memory which can be used for both mp3’s and cardiac rhythm storage and analysis. Users will also be able to customize their cardiac listening environment through a number of downloadable rhythm tracings that simulate anything from the excitement of a live rock concert to the blissful relaxation of an intimate chamber music concerto.
“This is just the beginning,” stated Jobs, in an announcement from Apple’s Cupertino , CA headquarters. “We have in development, transcutaneous cochlear implants that will someday eliminate the need for headphones. We’re also developing a GI electrode that will accurately reproduce resonance in the abdominal cavity for those who enjoy their bass. We’re working on a whole new blackberry type of interface which will eliminate the need for any type of external connections, and therefore skin infections. In future ekgPods, there will be no need for recharging as we will have in place a bio-electric self replenishing melamine fueled power source, which will be available to everyone through food supplementation.”
“We’re also working on integrating the ekgPod with the iPhone,” added Jobs. “Think of how wonderful it will be someday to get rid of all those annoying ring tones in public, and at the same time have your heart literally skip a beat when you receive a call from a loved one.”
The ekgPod has received excellent reviews thus far from the limited number of geriatric recipients who have undergone the implantation procedure.
“I never understood the whole thing behind Fifty-Cent and rap music in general,” stated 80 year old Selma Rothstein. “Now I get it! And my cardiologist says that my ejection fraction is up over ten percent… I feel like I’m almost forty years old again!”
“I had to ask my doc where they ran those electrodes,” stated 72 year old heart patient Jonathan Diamonte. “I’m always in the mood now, and I haven’t taken Cialis in over three months!”
Not all reviews of the ekgPod have been positive, however. A small number of relatively unconfirmed reports have surfaced on the internet that the devices may be interfering with microwave ovens, resulting in potentially deadly cases of salmonella from severely undercooked food. A spokesperson for Apple minimized the reports, stating that they were all under investigation, and insisted that preliminary results faulted the manufacturers of a number of unnamed ovens.