Apple CEO Steve Jobs (who did not have a heart attack) announced today that all iPhone products would be removed from the market because they can lead to Alzheimer’s disease.
“It has come to my attention”, Jobs said in an early afternoon press conference, “that use of iPhones can adversely impair ones memory, comprehension and learning ability and can lead to early dementia. Therefore, I am recalling all these devices until a solution can be found”.
Researchers at Apple have found that users of the product use their brains far less than people who do not use the product. All the information a person needs can be stored in the memory of the computers thus eliminating the need for human memories. Most doctors agree that the human memory is “use it or lose it” proposition.
Dr. Peter Loftus of the University of California stated, “I used to remember hundreds of phone numbers, birthdates, events etc. Now I can’t even remember my own phone number without looking it up on my iPhone. These devices are dangerous and, if allowed to proliferate, will destroy the world”.
Doctors all over the world are reporting that a high percentage of people using iPhones and related products are experiencing the effects of early-onset Alzheimer’s or other dementia related disorders.
Dr Loftus was unable to recall specific instances of people suffering dementia from using the product but was able to retrieve the data instantly by using his iPhone.
Shares of Apple Inc stock plummeted 89% as readers of this story took it seriously.