In the wake of the outrage over admissions that the Administration of George W. Bush paid the Right Wing Conservative commentator Armstrong Williams two hundred and forty thousand dollars to tout its ‘No Child Left Behind’ initiative, this author believes it might be wise to clarify several payments he has received from the White House over the past year. In February of 2004 I received four coupons for Mc Donald’s Happy Meals in exchange for my commentary about Mr. Bush’s wardrobe.
On April 14th I was given $6.50 to cover travel expenses down my street to use a neighbors computer to post a story lauding the Presidents military strategy. I also admit that I didn’t incur any expense on the trip; I actually walked and pocketed the cash.
In June 04 I received the rather substantial amount of $27.43 in an unmarked envelope from Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, who at the time was going under the code name Sore Throat, in a poorly lit parking garage in Washington DC. I’m not gonna tell you why; let’s just say I was a hairs breath away from receiving the Presidential Medal of Freedom for that one.
In short, over the last year I was the recipient of nearly two hundred dollars (US) from the Bush Administration. It goes without saying that I sincerely regret accepting any payments, at least payments so pitifully low when compared to Mr. Armstrong, who’s two hundred forty large would have represented a huge bump in my asset sheet. Waterhouse swore to me that with the budget deficit being what it was the White House couldn’t afford to give me any more, the fucking liar.
In an effort to regain my personal integrity I solemnly promise never to accept any piddling little payments from George W. Bush again. The next time that cheap little scumbag wants my help he can pony up some real cash. It is hoped that I won’t lose my job here at this magazine (which, by the way, pays me shit money as well) by my indiscretion. By the way…look for my column next week on why I believe the war in Iraq is going well, the budget deficit is nothing to worry about and becoming a police state isn’t really a bad thing. After all, the rents due.