Baby 81 Isn't Mine, Paul Bremmer Has Cash to Spare and Man Gets Malled…Unconfirmed Sources News…


Whose Your Daddy?

The infant tsunami survivor, nicknamed Baby 81, who was pulled from the killer waves debris in Sri Lanka has been finally reunited with it’s parents. DNA tests have conclusively proved the parentage of the child, which had been claimed by at least eight different couples. All’s I know, and this is what I’ve been telling everybody who would listen, is it ain’t mine, dude.

Bang, Bang, He Shot Me Down:

A gunman opened fire with an assault type rifle at a shopping mall in my old town of Kingston, New York on Sunday, seriously wounding two people. The mall, located on route 9W in the shopping hamlet of Lake Katerine, is notorious for it’s traffic and parking problems, as well as fat, stupid shoppers. While no motive has been given at this time for the unidentified twenty four year old gunman’s shooting spree, I know there have been times in that place where I’ve felt like popping off a few rounds. ( See my related story from several years ago entitled A Trip to the Mall, most of which takes place in the Best Buy where the shooting occurred.)

Iraq’ed Up Some Real Money:

A former Iraq Coalition Authority official has described collueges pulling millions of dollars in cash from a vault and stuffing it into gunny sacks for distribution around Baghdad during the bad old Wild West days of the Occupation, which were characterized by random shootings and bombings with no security at all; you know, sort of like it was yesterday.

Former Iraq Pro-Consul J. Paul Bremmer, who has been accused of losing somewhere in the vicinity of nine billion dollars during that time has sworn that the money was well spent on various items including the supplying of eight hundred million Happy Meals to smiling Iraqi children, twenty million copies of People Magazine to help acclimate Iraqi’s to an American lifestyle and three copies of Britney Spears latest release, which were more than enough, really.