Ben Bernanke bails out Time Magazine

WASHINGTON – After naming Ben Bernanke Person of the Year for saving us from the crisis that he helped create, Time magazine sales have “dropped off a cliff,” according to one Time magazine employee, speaking on condition of anonymity.

As a result of the drop-off in demand, Time magazine is now going through a liquidity crisis. Because of this situation, Ben Bernanke has decided to provide Time magazine with the necessary liquidity to stave off bankruptcy. The Fed has added millions of editions of Time to its balance sheet.

“From what we can tell, these Time magazines – especially the edition with Greenspan on the cover – have more intrinsic value than do Treasuries. There is actually stuff to read in them. So our balance sheet isn’t impaired in any way by paying cover-price for these issues,” said Fed Chairman Bernanke. “We also felt it would be best for the economy to take these editions out of circulation, and we are asking the American people to sell their Greenspan editions to the FOMC.”

The preliminary numbers are showing that the Fed, through Open Market Operations, has monetized at least 500,000 copies of the edition with Greenspan on the cover – the last time a Fed Chairman appeared on the cover of the prestigious magazine.

“If necessary, the Fed has the tools it needs to remove any excess liquidity from the markets,” said Bernanke. “We could start by selling off the Jim Bunning baseball cards that we have on our balance sheet.”