Ben Bernanke vows to make inefficiency clear the market

WASHINGTON, D.C.–Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke said during a press conference that he vows to make inefficiency clear the market, no matter how many dollars that takes.

“The Fed is committed to ensuring that inefficiency clears the market. Until inefficiency clears the market, we will print as much money as necessary, creating more inefficiency to be bought and sold, since inefficiency likes company,” said Chairman Ben Bernanke. “We’re not quite certain what the exact market clearing price of inefficiency is, but according to our econometric models, we know with certainty that it isn’t lower, and it must continually rise in perpetuity.”

Chairman Bernanke unveiled a new Federal Reserve program designed to combat falling prices, called the No Sales & Low Prices, or NOSLOP, program.

“The Fed has a plurality of tools at its disposal to prevent people from finding bargains. We all know that consumers get upset at low prices, so we started a new program called No Sales & Low Prices [NOSLOP]. We are asking consumers to report any store that is advertising anything as being on sale, or if they find anything on a store shelf that is marked down,” Bernanke told reporters.

Chairman Bernanke said the Fed’s actions dovetail nicely with the Congress’ plan to solve the problem of insolvency that was created by the inefficiency with more spending and regulation.

“Until the Fed is able to make inefficiency clear the market, it is imperative that Congress try to regulate and spend away insolvency. Most economists that I speak to understand that the best way to deal with insolvency is to spend it away, or regulate it away,” said Chairman Bernanke.

“The Congress is committed to working closely with Chairman Bernanke, President Obama, and the Treasury Secretary in order to spend away insolvency,” said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi.

“We understand that dealing with the insolvency will take at least some spending, but that shouldn’t be our exclusive focus. We should look at a more conservative and eclectic approach that mixes in some spending with some regulations, in order to help regulate away the insolvency,” said Republican Leader John Boehner.