Bernard Kerik's Out, Robert Novak's In

The Administration of President George W. Bush has announced that Conservative Columnist Robert (Bob) Novak will become the new Director of Homeland Security.
The announcement came just days after Mr. Bush’s original pick, former New York City Police Commissioner Bernard Kerick declined the position, citing the fact that he was breaking the law left and right when it came to hiring illegal aliens and not paying taxes on them, not to mention the as yet unproved allegations of stalking involving his former close friend, publisher Judith Regan, who by the way is a real fox.

The nomination of Mr. Novak, while startling on its face, is not as strange as one may think. Mr. Novak has already proved his loyalty to the President by agreeing to commit a federal offense in the public naming of ex CIA agent Valerie Plame. That act was done to aid the Bush Administrations quest to get revenge on former Ambassador Joseph Wilson, who had publicly disputed the Presidents claim in his 2003 State of the Union Address that Iraq had attempted to purchase nuclear yellowcake from Niger. In that case, it was later determined that Saddam Hussein had been attempting to buy not yellowcake, but a cheese cake from the African nation after his military chiefs misguidedly told him that that country had the best bakers in the world. It was a fatal error for the erstwhile dictator that would cause his downfall as well as raise his cholesterol level fifteen points.

Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, “I know what you’re gonna ask…what does a newspaper columnist know about Homeland Security? Well, the answer is, who cares? I mean after all, what does George Bush know about being President and what does Don Rumsfeld know about fighting a war? About as much as you do about writing well. Anyway, a rewards a reward and we needed to pay Novak back. Plus, if he’s in the Cabinet, we can always cite National Security when the grand jury comes to take him away.”

Former New York City Mayor Rudolph Giuliani was said to be heartbroken and embarrassed over the Kerick debacle. Waterhouse, speaking on the condition that this reporter will pay dearly for his excoriating the President sometime in the next four years continued, “It’s Rudy I really feel bad for. The poor guy cried himself to sleep last night. He figured getting his buddy Kerick in the door would be a big step towards the making him President in 08, assuming of course that by that time we won’t have been able to amend the Constitution to make George Bush President for Life. Now he’s just going to have to find a new job. Maybe he could be a political columnist. That’s a good stepping stone.”