Citing the need to avoid a mass swine flue epidemic, U.S. Vice President Joe Biden urged all U.S. residents to stay home, lock the doors, don’t go outside, don’t speak to anyone and breathe as little air as possible.
The Swine Flue has been killing Mexicans in droves, according to Biden. He stated that the United States could avoid the same destiny by isolating themselves from the world, their friends and neighbors and business associates.
“Desperate time call for desperate measures”, a surgical-mask covered Biden stated from behind an enclosed plexiglass booth. “I urge all Americans to forget about their lives for the next few months until this potential epidemic has passed!”
President Barack Obama agreed with Biden’s stance. “We must make sure no Americans get sick. When the world has taken ill, we Americans will have triumphed!”
Some doctors claim the Swine Flu fears are overblown and the country is in no danger.
“Smoke a dube and chill out folks. This is nothing more than a regular old flu and, chances are, you’re not going to get it”, said University of California Dr. Richard Nincomp.
Nonetheless, US Surgeon General and media celebrity Dr. Sanjay Gupta urges all Americans to stay home and follow the president and vice president’s advise.
“This could be Armageddon!” Gupta stated. “This could be the end times for humanity! I suggest you all get your affairs in order before judgment day!”
Most Americans have not been altering their activities thus leading them closer to certain death.