Unconfirmed sources report that several of the nations Big Box retailers have joined together in an attempt to destroy Christmas. To be more precise the retailers have launched an all out attack on Santa’s Workshop with a rented fleet of Russian bombers and battleships. A spokesman for the joint strike force indicated that the attack has already been launched and will reach the North Pole within hours.
“We have always had it in for Santa.” Admits Buck Fuller, spokesmen for the group of retailers. “The Christmas, or rather the Holiday season as we like to call it, is a very competitive time and we just got tired of competing with a guy who gives away merchandise. We’ve begged the government to halt Santa’s dumping tactics, but to no avail. Santa has too many friends in high places for us to have any hope of regulatory reform, so we had to take matters into our own hands.”
The rented fleet of bombers and navel assets has been secretly massing near the north pole for several weeks waiting for the right moment to attack. The time came a few hours ago and the attack force is on its way.
Santa’s Workshop complex is very large, covering several square miles of Arctic ice, and is thought to be lightly defended. With an air force of one sled and bunch of reindeer experts believe the attackers will level the collection of workshops and warehouses with ease.
The national media has greeted the news of the impending attack with satisfaction and grim pleasure.
“This is great news.” Says FOX TV personality Bill O’Reilly. “Santa is a stain on the Christmas season and embodies what is wrong with evil leftist corporate cabal that is ruining Christian America. Are the guys who are attacking Santa any better him? Hell no! They are just as bad, but any enemy of my enemy is a friend of mine.”
“I have to agree with O’Reilly. Santa has got to go and he will not be missed.” Says another FOX personality John Gibson, Author of The War on Christmas: How the Liberal Plot to Ban the Sacred Christian Holiday is Worse Than You Thought. “Santa started as a corporate consumerist front man for liberals trying to take the Christ out of Christmas. He has been out of control for years just giving gifts away and had to be stopped. This just proves what a pact of lies Christmas has become. As Santa and the liberal corporations war with each other the whole rotting perverted fa