NEW YORK – Unconfirmed Sources has just learned that former President Bill Clinton, who underwent quadruple bypass surgery in September, will have a sex change operation Thursday at New York-Presbyterian Hospital/Columbia University Medical Center. Although President Clinton’s office maintains that the former chief executive is entering the hospital for a medical procedure to remove fluid and scar tissue from his left chest, sources close to the president assured us that “Bill’s having a makeover.”
Former Clinton adviser George Stephanopoulos praised his old boss for “doing the manly thing and getting in touch with his feminine side. Bill always said he was a lesbian trapped in a man’s body, now he doesn’t have to live a lie any longer.”
The procedure Clinton will undergo is officially known as Sexual Reassignment Surgery. According to leaked medical records, Clinton has chosen to be reassigned to the Rue McClanahan Southern Strumpet category.
“President Clinton felt that McClanahan’s vivaciousness and sexually aggressive manner best suited his persona,” said Baxter Cardoza, M.D., H.M.F.I.C., head of the three-surgeon team that will effect President Clinton’s latest reinvention.
Although Friends of Bill are calling the operation “an act of heroism in a sexually repressive environment,” skeptics charge that Clinton has a hidden agenda.
“That sucker changing into a woman is tantamount to a fox remaking himself into a chicken,” said Fox News’ Bill O’Reilly. “Now he doesn’t have to worry about getting thrown out of restaurants for being in the ladies room.”
Former New York mayor and skull ring model Rudy Giuliani, who may oppose Hillary Rodham Clinton in the 2008 presidential election, called President Clinton’s operation payback time.
“We all knew that Hillary was going to have Bill’s testicles sooner or later for the Monica Lewinsky affair, and now she does,” said Giuliani. “What’s more, Hillary’s lesbianism won’t be a political liability any longer. They’re probably going to start sleeping together for the first time in years.”
In other news, the three members of U2 who are not Bono have offered to trade their lead singer “even up” for World Bank president, James Wolfensohn.