New York, NY (Rotters) – Bill Clinton announced today that he would be teaming up with Sponge Bob SquarePants and Dora the Explorer in a new Nickelodeon campaign to promote good nutrition in children. “The idea that health decisions you make as kids could stop you from living your dream is heartbreaking to us,” said Clinton. “I don’t know about Bob, but after two heart surgeries, I don’t think I’m going to have much trouble staying away from the Crabby Patties.” Nickelodeon Networks President Herb Scannell stated that thanks to the leadership from the former President other politicians and celebrities are clamoring to be included in similar campaigns.
“While we don’t yet have the rights to some of these cartoon characters, the campaign is really coming together, and we’re excited.” said Mr. Scannell.“Tom DeLay will be teaming up with Sgt. McGruff the crime fighting dog to help children wrestle with the finer aspects and complexities of the law.” stated Mr. Scannell. “Mr. DeLay has offered himself up as living proof that ethics need to be taught earlier and more frequently to young children if we are to address the increasing rates of imprisonment in America.”
“In a campaign related to the Clinton/SquarePants campaign, Ann Coulter has tentatively agreed to a number of spots with none other than Fat Albert to help address the frightening increase in both Eating Disorders and Personality Disorders in pre-teens and adolescents. They’ll offer tips on responsible eating and dieting as well as anger management and gun control.”
“We’re especially excited that Karl Rove has anticipated that he will be having quite a bit of free time in the near future and has expressed an interest in being involved. Plans are for Mr. Rove to partner up with Tinkie Wink of the Teletubies in a series of spots directed more towards infants and toddlers. These spots will concentrate on when it’s OK to keep secrets from your parents and others and when to tell the truth. We hope, also, to address the issues of tolerance and acceptance of non-traditional parenting.”
“Most of those interested, at this point have graciously volunteered their time and efforts,” stated Mr. Scannell. “We are anticipating a much larger payout for them farther down the road as dolls and action figures hit the markets.”