As a service to the nation, the White House will begin issue weekly reports and updates that will provide confused Republicans with a running scorecard of current indictments and ongoing investigations of various Party leaders and their minions, as it’s just getting to be too overwhelming for anyone to keep straight. The first installment is as follows:
Bill Frist: The Republican Leader of the Senate is under SEC investigation for the sale of stock in his family business just weeks before it tanked, ala’ Martha Stewart. Mr. Frist claims he was just divesting in anticipation of a run for the Presidency in 2008. If that’s true, then thank God he was able to take a substantial profit from the sale when everybody else lost big time.
Tom DeLay: The Republican House Speaker has been forced to step down from that post as he is under indictment for fraud related to campaign finances… Mr. DeLay has also been accused of illegally soliciting campaign contributions, laundering campaign contributions to influence state legislative races and the improper use of his office to influence various federal agencies. Rebuked by a House Ethics Committee at the end of September 2004 for pressuring a fellow member of the House to switch his vote on a health care bill, Mr. DeLay has also been subpoenaed to give information regarding his use of the Federal Aviation Administration to track down a plane owned by a rival Texas Democrat who fled the state rather than allow Mr. DeLay to illegally change voting district boundaries to aid his fellow Republicans. None of this can possibly be true. Do you hear me? None of it.
Karl Rove: The Bush Administration’s White House Chief of Staff is currently under investigation in the Valerie Plame Affair; indications are that Mr. Rove committed Treason b naming a covert CIA agent to columnist Robert Novak, which is really no big deal.
Scooter Libby: Vice President Dick Cheney’s Chief of Staff is also being investigated for Treason in the Plame Affair, as well as for having a dopey nickname.
David H. Safavian: Bush Administration Procurement policy chief, arrested by the FBI for lying and obstructing a criminal investigation of Jack Abramoff.
Michael Brown: The FEMA head and Bush political appointee was forced to resign in the wake of Hurricane Katrina when it was revealed that he lied on his resume about his disaster experience. Apparently, he’s learned a lot more about disasters now that he’s responsible for the loss of a city and the deaths of hundreds.
As more arrests and indictments occur the Bush Administration will strive to keep you as misinformed as they possibly can.